As my wonderful husband stepped through the door and glanced around at me, our kids, and the state of our home, he was understandably taken aback. We were a bit more, shall we say, chaotic than usual.
With wide eyes and a hint of disappointment, he asked, “Honey, wow. What happened here? What did you do today?”
Ah, bless his heart. I appreciate his concern about the whirlwind that was our day. So, I decided to share the truth with him:
You’re absolutely right, dear. Honestly, I’m still trying to process the chaos that unfolded in the nine hours since you left for work. Or maybe it’s the cumulative effect of the last eight years riding this wild ride we call parenting.
So, where to begin? Should I start from the start or dive into the most outrageous? Chronological order seems logical, but perhaps it would be better to work backwards from the epic disaster I barely survived, hoping to keep the kids safe until you walked in the door.
While I was busy unclogging the toilet—thanks to our daughter’s ambitious attempt to use approximately 457 rolls of toilet paper—I heard a strangling sound from the playroom. Don’t worry, it was just one of the kids’ balloons caught in the fan for the seventh time in two days. When I get a moment to grab the stool, I’ll try to untangle it without getting my hand swiped, as the kids think it’s hilarious to turn the fan back on like they’ve done before.
As I was preparing mac and cheese and peanut butter sandwiches for lunch, our son decided it was the perfect time to open a new bag of Goldfish—except it exploded all over the den. While I was sweeping up the mess, the mac and cheese boiled over, and the baby was busy chewing my cellphone charger. Thank goodness she didn’t get burned, but I can’t say chewing on a plugged-in charger is any safer!
Just as I attempted to serve lunch, the kids decided to throw all my neatly folded sheets and towels onto the floor, which was already covered in dog hair. And let’s not forget that I had just spent the morning picking lice out of the girls’ hair. So, instead of the four loads of laundry I had left, I now faced an uphill battle of seven or maybe eight loads since I need to redo everything I just washed.
Speaking of hair, I managed to pick out 50 or 60 nits from the girls this morning. Once the baby goes down for her nap—if she cooperates—I’ll use what is usually my “pee break” to pick out more nits that I missed earlier. Don’t worry, I didn’t really need a bathroom break anyway. I’ll just sneak away during dinner time while they devour their food like they haven’t eaten in days, only to create another mess moments later.
On the topic of food, I’ve swept the floors at least three times today. Although you wouldn’t know it by looking, there are still remnants of the baby’s crushed Nutri-Grain bar and Cheerios from breakfast scattered around.
I thought I’d take a moment to get dressed while the baby entertained herself with Cheerios. But the moment I picked her up from the high chair, she had a little accident—diarrhea leaking down me. Seriously. Who needs a shower or to look presentable? Maybe in four years I’ll resemble a normal human being again.
I managed to get our son off to kindergarten camp with a mere 30 seconds to spare before he was late, and then the girls and I dashed into the store for some essentials that have been on the list for days. Halfway through the store, I realized one of my daughters was only wearing underwear, and another had no shoes. Who needs clothes or shoes anyway? At this point, I’m not sure why we keep buying them!
As I pressed on through my day, my double vision turned into triple vision as my headache worsened. No one napped, the dog got loose, and while I was trying to take a blessed moment to untangle the balloon from the fan, the baby crawled out of her walker and started climbing the stairs, only to fall down them.
But don’t worry; I’m always in control! I iced her little bump, but then two of our children snuck outside with shampoo, playing a game of “Let’s see how much we can squirt on each other to drive Mommy nuts!” Cute, right?
Despite knowing I’m not the best cook, I attempted to make dinner with chicken in the oven—one of your favorites. Of course, something at the bottom of the oven started to burn, filling the house with smoke and setting off the alarms, which sent the kids into a panic. A neighbor even stopped by to check if we were okay, and guess what? I was just in my bra and underwear after changing from the baby’s earlier mess, so that was fun. Let’s just say our neighbor and I will have a different kind of bond now.
So, what did I do today? (Insert huge laugh here, tears rolling down my cheeks as I laugh hysterically.)
Oh, honey, I dare you. Ask me again. Just one more time.
If you’re curious about what it takes to embark on this parenting journey, check out our other posts on at-home insemination techniques and resources like Progyny’s blog, which is an excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination. You might also want to look into Make a Mom for a reliable at-home insemination kit. And for more tips and tricks, visit our blog on intracervical insemination!
In summary, being a mom is a rollercoaster of chaos and laughter, where every day brings new adventures and challenges that keep us on our toes.