By: Taylor Morgan
Updated: Feb. 11, 2021
Originally Published: Sep. 2, 2015
As a mother to a spirited 5-year-old son, I’ve noticed something interesting about how he handles setbacks. When he sets out to create a magnificent Lego railroad bridge that spirals through our living room and even climbs the sofa, I don’t usually lend a hand—engineering just isn’t my strong suit. I’m more of a reading and ice cream expert. After about 10 or 15 minutes of building, however, I often hear the familiar sounds of frustration followed by a dramatic crash of blocks and a huffy retreat. Tears may also make an appearance, but here’s the kicker: he always returns to his project.
He shares this resilient approach to failure with his dad, who also takes a brief time-out, often accompanied by some animated narrating about how he could have avoided his shelf installation disaster if only he had known about anchors. But eventually, both father and son will dive back into their projects—sometimes right away, sometimes after a couple of weeks. They seem to understand that a failed endeavor doesn’t reflect on their worth; it’s just a project gone awry.
Now, if I had daughters, would their responses be different? I’m all too familiar with the feeling that failure is a personal indictment of my abilities. If my bridge collapses, I’m left thinking I must not be cut out for engineering or that I’m simply not smart enough. The dread of appearing foolish often keeps me from even trying again (I mean, who wants to mess up a bridge, right?).
Rachel Simmons, a writer for Time, highlights this phenomenon, explaining that girls often interpret failure as an indication of their lack of ability, something that feels much harder to change. Boys, on the other hand, tend to attribute their failures to factors they can control. This difference in perception largely stems from the way girls receive feedback in school, which often emphasizes their inherent abilities rather than offering constructive criticism.
Additionally, Simmons points out that girls are socialized to seek approval, making failures feel more personal and disappointing, especially when it comes to parents or teachers. True success for everyone hinges on intrinsic motivation rather than external validation—a topic explored in depth by researchers like Alfie Kohn. Kids should aspire to succeed for their own joy, not just for accolades or trophies.
Girls, being more attuned to the feedback they receive, might find themselves second-guessing their own desires, while boys can often pursue their projects without that nagging self-doubt. I praise my son for his efforts rather than his innate abilities, saying things like, “You worked really hard,” instead of “You’re so smart.” Watching him tackle his building endeavors has made me reflect on my own tendency to shy away from challenges, and I plan to channel my own intrinsic motivation—right after I finish my book!
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In summary, boys and girls experience failure differently due to societal feedback and expectations. While boys often view setbacks as a challenge to overcome, girls may internalize them as indications of their abilities. Emphasizing effort over innate talent can help nurture resilience in children of all genders.