Hey Mom, I’ve been doing some serious pondering here. You might think I’m just hiding under the table to make a mess, but really, I’m trying to process the chaotic circus that you call our “nighttime routine.” Let’s be real: you’re doing bedtime all wrong.
Mistake 1: The Bath
First off, what’s with the bath? Mom, you’re a little ridiculous. You put me in a tub filled with amazing toys and expect me to chill? It’s like having a mini water park right in our home, complete with bubbles! I’m only 2! Bath time is basically paradise—water, bubbles, toys, and you! And you really think I’m going to keep it tidy? Please. By the time I’m done, the bathroom will look like a tidal wave hit it! And good luck getting me into pajamas afterwards (definitely not those footie ones, or I will LOSE IT).
Mistake 2: The Bedtime Story
Oh, come on with the bedtime stories! You really think a tale about a prince, princess, and magical adventures is going to lull me to sleep? These stories are so thrilling that I feel like I’m right there in the action. Sure, I hear you shushing me, but I’m just trying to point out the cool parts! Seriously, how about you add some voices to spice things up?
Mistake 3: The Bedtime Song
Now, let’s talk about your singing. Love you, but let’s be honest: you can’t carry a tune to save your life. And those songs? What are you stuck in, the mid-’90s? Enough with the sappy ballads! I’d rather hear Dad jam out to Pink Floyd. At least he has some taste! Spoiler alert: your off-key serenade is not helping me sleep.
Mistake 4: The Rocking Chair
You think rocking back and forth in that chair is going to magically make me sleepy? Nope! I love hanging out with you, but I’m way past the swaddling stage, so stop wrapping that blanket around me like I’m still a baby. I keep kicking it off for a reason!
Mistake 5: Putting Me in My Bed
By now, I can sense your desperation, so sure, I’ll let you tuck me into bed. But if you think I’m going to let you snuggle in with me, you’re in for a surprise. I might just kick you—accidentally, of course—until I see tears in your eyes. And when you tiptoe out, thinking I’m asleep? Ha! If I were really out, you could slam the door, and it wouldn’t matter. But since I’m wide awake, this is the most entertaining one-woman show I’ve seen since that time you tried to convince me pureed peas were “yummy in my tummy.”
Mistake 6: The Water
Seriously, Mom? How have you not figured out that I’m going to need a drink? Nope, I don’t want that cup you left by my bed. That thing is gross! I want the pink cup with the straw from downstairs, and I want it NOW!
Mistake 7: You Keep Trying
The biggest mistake you make is that you just keep trying. You come up with the weirdest ideas to add to our routine, like lavender oil or sound machines, or whatever “candy” you’re calling melatonin. Just stop! You’re only making yourself more frustrated. It’s time to accept that I run bedtime, not you. I’ll get up and fall asleep on my own terms, so just embrace it. Now, could you grab me a midnight snack? And don’t forget one for yourself, because we’re going to be awake for a while.
In short, Mom, if you want bedtime to run smoothly, you might need to rethink your whole strategy. Just remember: I’m the boss of this nighttime gig.
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Summary
This playful piece humorously critiques a mother’s bedtime routine from a toddler’s perspective, highlighting common missteps like bath time fun, exciting bedtime stories, off-key singing, and the struggle of getting cozy in bed. The toddler ultimately asserts control over bedtime, suggesting it’s time for mom to accept that the little one calls the shots.