Life has certainly thrown a few curveballs over the past 16 years as my partner and I juggled home responsibilities, career changes, and the whirlwind of parenting. While it hasn’t been a battlefield, I sometimes felt like a soldier navigating the tricky terrain of communication and the uphill battles of sharing responsibilities and nurturing our kids. I was diligently crafting a strategy to help my husband understand me, ensuring that the bond we forged in front of family and friends would endure through life’s challenges.
I was making progress—until I hit a wall. My focus became so narrow that I lost sight of the bigger picture. As I poured my feelings into journals or wrote letters highlighting my grievances, I was stuck looking down. I took long walks to sort through my emotions, always with my eyes cast downward. I even resorted to silence or passive-aggressive behavior, further trapping myself in a cycle of negativity.
It’s all too easy to get caught up in our own world and forget to look up and see the broader landscape. While journaling and letter writing can be therapeutic, my years as a wife have taught me that a better starting point is self-reflection and awareness. It’s no surprise that I often found myself focused downwards.
This isn’t to say that my feelings of anger or hurt aren’t valid—trust me, my husband, Mark, would readily admit he’s made his share of mistakes (and I have too!). In the early years of our marriage, I would simmer quietly, collecting “evidence” to justify my anger about his insensitivity. This inward focus only raised the tension between us.
Eventually, I’d reach a boiling point where I could no longer contain my frustration. Emotions would explode, often resulting in hurtful words. I’ve asked for forgiveness for those moments, but the echoes of those harsh words linger in my mind. Thankfully, Mark has been patient, allowing me to vent before we could have a constructive conversation. Unfortunately, this was our pattern for far too long.
Now, at the 16-year mark, things have changed—mostly. When I feel that familiar surge of anger, my instinct isn’t to lash out or build an emotional case against Mark. Instead, I consciously choose to look up, both literally and figuratively. I take a step back to view the situation from a different angle, acknowledging my role in the dynamics of our relationship. I might still feel rage bubbling beneath the surface, but I’ve learned that articulating my concerns with a bit of perspective often leads to much better outcomes.
Every day, I strive to look up. I’m not saying our life is perfect or that we never disagree. We still face challenges, but this shift in perspective has made our journey smoother and our communication less painful. It’s allowed me to focus on solving problems instead of merely being right. Most importantly, it has helped me remember the man I fell in love with all those years ago, as he continues to stand right in front of me.
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In summary, the journey of marriage can be intricate, but with a shift in focus from the small details to the bigger picture, we can navigate our paths with more grace and understanding.