Buying Ikea furniture feels a bit like parenting: no matter how much of a headache it is, you somehow convince yourself to dive in again. You think this time will be different, that this particular creation won’t push you to the edge of sanity—or your relationship.
Here’s the secret to navigating your next Ikea adventure with a bit more ease (and keeping your marriage intact):
- Once the kids are tucked in for the night, tackle that assembly project with a burst of energy—ready to finally accomplish something.
- Skim through the instructions like a pro.
- When your partner asks if you’re confident in your skills, roll your eyes and exclaim, “Come on, even a monkey could handle this!”
- Start by fitting the dowel rods together, thinking smugly, “I’ll wrap this up in 20 minutes and still have time for my favorite show.”
- Secure the first nut and bolt.
- Attempt to turn the bolt with your fingernail—repeat this until your nail gives in.
- Grab pliers to keep that nut steady (just like the instructions suggest).
- While you hold the nut, use the Allen wrench to tighten the bolt—watch in dismay as it drops to the floor.
- Use your foot to keep the pliers steady.
- With one hand, slot the bolt in, while twisting the Allen wrench with the other. Consider calling in a monkey at this rate.
- Reluctantly allow your partner to assist (because apparently, feet aren’t the right tools—unless you’re a monkey).
- Observe as your partner “helps,” only to slip the wrench and send all pieces crashing down.
- Imagine a world where you could commit a minor felony.
- Think of Allen, the wrench’s inventor, and how you’ll find him to deliver some sweet revenge.
- Take a breather with a glass of wine and Google “Inventor of the Allen wrench.”
- Discover that he’s long gone—so at least you can cross that off your to-do list.
- Curse his name and wish for his eternal punishment in an assembly hell.
- Return to your project and find that the last step has no bolt hole.
- Raid your toolbox for a hammer and nails—because hitting things can be strangely satisfying.
- Realize that if you screw the bolts too tightly, the wood splits. If you breathe too loudly, the wood splits. If a dog sneezes nearby, guess what? The wood splits. But when you try to make a new hole? The wood stands firm like the Great Wall of China.
- Let out a frustrated “Forget it!” and pour another glass of wine, contemplating how quickly the whole thing could go up in flames.
- Break out the power tools, even if the instructions strictly advise against it.
- If you lack power tools, make a quick run to the store to grab some—and more wine.
- Pass the power tools to your partner, who is currently wishing the Ikea CEO a fate worse than assembly hell.
- Sip on more wine while watching your partner finally drill the hole and attach the last piece.
- Only to find out there was already a hole, and the piece is on backward.
- With a mix of amusement and tipsiness, watch as your partner’s eyes shoot laser beams, speaking in a voice that sounds suspiciously like a demon.
- Down another glass of wine.
- Head to bed swearing you’ll never, ever buy Ikea furniture again.
- Forget that vow by next month.
And there you have it: the true secret to surviving IKEA assembly is wine. Cheers to that and see you at the store!
For more humorous takes on life, check out our other posts, like this one here about home insemination kits. If you want to dive deeper into the world of home insemination, Make a Mom offers fantastic insights, and WebMD is a great resource for understanding IUI success rates.
Summary
Assembling Ikea furniture can be a chaotic and hilarious experience, reminiscent of parenting. From the moment you decide to take on the project after the kids are asleep, to the inevitable frustrations with missing pieces and stubborn bolts, it’s a journey filled with wine and laughter. In the end, all you can do is promise yourself you won’t do it again—until next month rolls around.