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How Not to Discuss Sex with Your Kids
by Jessica Taylor
Updated: Aug. 3, 2016
Originally Published: Aug. 20, 2015
Well, it finally happened.
Late last night, our little one stumbled upon us…you know, in a rather compromising position. We were completely unaware of how long she had been standing there in the dark until she piped up, “I can’t sleep…”
We froze. After an awkward pause, she added, “And yes, I can see you.”
Great.
We hurriedly disentangled ourselves and covered up as she hopped into bed with us. Within three minutes, she was sound asleep. Us? Not so much. I spent the next six hours staring at the ceiling, cringing.
The next morning, we decided to tackle the situation together, calmly and maturely. We settled down on the couch, holding hands and smiling as she flipped through her favorite cartoons.
“Good morning, sweet pea. We wanted to chat about, um, last night,” I stuttered. “You may have seen something that was a bit confusing, so we thought it best to see if you had any questions?”
“Are there any more granola bars?” she replied, eyes glued to the TV. But we were determined. This was a teachable moment!
I pressed on, “Sometimes, mommies and daddies like to have grown-up, private time in bed.”
“Sometimes in other places,” my ever-helpful partner chimed in before I quickly cut him off.
“We love each other very much, and part of that love means we sometimes lie on top of each other, sometimes without clothes. It’s perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed of. It’s how grown-ups express love, in a special, private way.” I rambled on.
“Right. Not something we do all the time. Kind of like a rare solar eclipse, you don’t want to look directly at it or it could hurt your eyes,” he added. So helpful, indeed.
“Remember that book we gave you about where babies come from?” I continued. “We definitely weren’t making a baby…”
“Absolutely not,” he confirmed, nodding vigorously.
“Hahaha oh, definitely not,” I said, exchanging a laugh with him.
“Can you imagine? A newborn? No way. But that book talked about how sometimes we do things just because we love each other, and that’s totally normal, just like it says in the book.”
“When mommies and daddies really love each other, sometimes they go off-script. I bet reverse cowgirl wasn’t in that book, am I right?” my husband added thoughtfully.
“Sometimes Daddy just watches too many movies,” I joked.
“Yeah, and sometimes Daddy forgets to clear his browsing history,” he replied.
“Sometimes Daddy thinks he can bend Mommy into a pretzel, forgetting she’s not a Cirque du Soleil performer but a 45-year-old woman with occasional back pain.” I paused. “Do normal legs bend like that? No. No, they do not.”
“You might hear some funny sounds. Mommy makes little dolphin noises, and that’s perfectly normal,” he over-explained.
“Sometimes Daddy is so sweaty, it’s like making love to a seal.” I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t resist.
“I’d say more like a sea lion, but the point is I work very hard for…”
“Okay, we’re way off track now,” I shot him a look. It didn’t stop him.
“Remember when we went to the aquarium? It’s kinda like that, but with… you know.”
“Shut up. Just stop talking,” I hissed.
“Yeah, you stop talking,” he mumbled back.
“The main thing is that we love each other a lot, and sex is a natural part of being grown-up, okay?” I finally wrapped it up.
“Right. A married grown-up. A beautiful and natural part of being a married grown-up, but only when you’re married and, like, 30,” he emphasized.
“And married,” I added. “So, any questions?”
We held our breath.
Finally, she spoke up.
“Yes. Are there any more granola bars?”
For more insights on parenting and sensitive topics, you can check out this post on home insemination where we provide helpful resources. Also, if you’re looking for authoritative information on home insemination, Cryobaby is a fantastic resource. Additionally, for further guidance on fertility and family planning, this is an excellent resource to explore.
In summary, navigating the conversation about sex with kids can be tricky, but it’s essential to approach it with openness and humor, even when things get awkward!