“I’m really sorry. But it’s just how I am.” That was the heartfelt apology my nearly seven-year-old daughter, Lily, came up with after a meltdown in her classroom where she told her best friend she didn’t want to be friends anymore.
As a mom navigating the challenges of raising a child with Asperger’s, I tried to guide her toward a more conventional apology. “How about saying you’re sorry and that you didn’t mean it? Tell her she really is your friend and that you won’t yell again…”
Lily, however, was adamant. “It’s not an excuse, Mom. It’s the truth, and I’m going to say it.” As I pressed her to rethink her approach, she boarded the school bus still anxious, fixated on needing me to write an apology for her. Writing was overwhelming for her, and she felt completely lost in the moment.
She even claimed she wouldn’t talk to her friend that day, unable to face her. I couldn’t shake the feeling of inadequacy. I was trying so hard to help her grasp the idea that other people have different thoughts and feelings, yet I was inadvertently diminishing her own struggles.
The Misunderstandings of Asperger’s
This is a common issue. Because she’s high-functioning, many people tend to assume she has more control than she does. They overlook sensory overloads, social misunderstandings, and motor skill challenges that don’t warrant therapy but affect her daily life. Often, they label her as a spoiled child needing discipline, which stings to hear.
Sometimes, she resembles a contemporary Veruca Salt, demanding a new stuffed animal to alleviate her feelings of being overwhelmed by sensory input and social cues that are too much to handle. To her, having that tangible object makes perfect sense amidst the chaos.
A Difficult Day
After her outburst, Lily called me from the principal’s office, saying, “I’m having a hard day. I told my friend she wasn’t my friend anymore, but I was just being sarcastic.” I sighed, knowing sarcasm was one of those tricky concepts that perplexed her. I reminded her to apologize to her friend, but I was quick to highlight her mistakes rather than understanding her feelings.
Deep down, I knew she was hurt and confused when her friend couldn’t attend her birthday party. In that moment, her emotions had spiraled beyond her control. I felt sympathy for her friend and, even more so, for Lily, who was struggling to make sense of a straightforward social situation.
Finding Balance
While I wish for Lily to take responsibility for her actions and not use her challenges as a crutch, perhaps she has a point when she says, “It’s the Asperger’s.” Yes, she may be bright and charming, but she also has her moments of social missteps, sometimes dressed in a sparkly outfit while doing so.
It might not seem right to others, but I have to remember: It’s the Asperger’s. Fortunately, her teacher informed me that Lily did manage to apologize to her friend that day. She found her own way to express her feelings, and I couldn’t be prouder of her journey.
Resources for Parents
If you’re navigating similar situations, you might find helpful resources like this at-home insemination kit and this fertility resource to be beneficial. And for more insights, check out this post regarding parental challenges.
Conclusion
In summary, parenting a child with Asperger’s is a journey filled with misunderstandings and moments of growth. It’s crucial to recognize their unique struggles while guiding them towards social awareness without diminishing their experiences.