Reflecting back to my teenage years, I can’t help but feel a flutter of anxiety at the thought of my parents revealing that they were previously married to other people. Fortunately, I never had to grapple with that surprise; my parents have been happily married for over 40 years and still share sweet moments, like holding hands. However, I find myself rehearsing this conversation in my head as I prepare to share the same news with my two kids, hoping to prevent it from becoming an unnecessary family secret.
I tied the knot at 29, but that marriage concluded just three years later. My current husband, Jake, was married even less time before we found each other. We both entered our second marriages without any children from our previous relationships, and while those breakups felt like the end of the world, they were quite amicable. Friends would often say, “At least you didn’t have kids,” which was more irritating than comforting—if you’re thinking of saying this to someone going through a divorce, do them a favor and wait a year.
While most of our friends were busy tying the knot and welcoming babies, we were stuck in mediations, fretting over recent home purchases that felt far less romantic without a partner to help with the bills. I jokingly referred to myself as SWD (single with dog), with my beloved pup, Daisy, as my sidekick. We were two hearts battling separation anxiety together—me from the end of my marriage and her from my absence.
As I ventured back into the dating world at 32, I worried about how to explain my divorce to potential partners. Would they picture me as a cat lady with a home shopping channel addiction? What would their family think of dating a divorcee? I felt the weight of judgment from family, coworkers, and even the DMV clerk who would help me change my last name. Back then, it felt like divorce was a rarity in my circles—almost as if I was living in the Victorian era.
Fast forward four years, and not only was I remarried, but I also had two little ones. Those once-pressing worries faded away. Now, however, a new worry has surfaced: how to tell my kids that both Daddy and I were married before.
Having recently celebrated my 40th birthday, my children are now 3 and 5, and I know the time for this conversation is approaching. I want to share this part of our history with them before they stumble upon an old wedding photo or hear a reference from a distant relative. Jake thinks it’s a non-issue, but it sends waves of panic through me just thinking about it. My daughter has already inquired about divorce, and I’ve done my best to explain it in age-appropriate terms: “Sometimes, two people decide they’re better off apart for various reasons. But I promise, that won’t happen with Mommy and Daddy.”
She’s even had her own imaginary divorce from her pretend husband, Mr. Sprinkles, after declaring, “He was just too mean!” Does she understand the concept? Should I mention that while we have no plans for divorce, it happened to both of us before? I worry about scaring her or whether I should wait until she’s older. Should this be a sit-down discussion, or should I keep it casual to prevent it from feeling like a secret?
How do you explain a major life lesson—one that was painful yet ultimately led to love and the life we have now? I suppose the best approach is to just be honest. It’s a story worth telling.
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Summary:
Discussing past marriages with kids can be challenging, but honesty is often the best policy. As parents navigate their own experiences, it’s important to create an open dialogue and prevent secrets from forming. Sharing these stories can help kids understand family history and foster a sense of security.