If you’ve ever found yourself assembling 25 goody bags for a child’s birthday bash or watched your kid struggle to scribble the same two sentences on 25 thank-you cards, you’re likely familiar with that irrational urge to just scream into a pillow. Seriously, why do we subject ourselves to this madness?
Here’s my theory: there exists a clandestine society of perfectionist moms whose sole mission is to make regular moms feel inadequate by imposing ludicrous social norms that no sane person could meet without the aid of a ton of caffeine. This elite group is presumably backed by greeting card companies and that toy manufacturer responsible for those miniature soldiers with parachutes (the ones that tangle the minute your child plays with them, ultimately ending up in the trash while your little one cries).
This secret society probably goes by the official title of “The Committee to Create Social Expectations for the Subjugation of Ordinary Motherhood” (because they enjoy making things overly complicated). For short, they call themselves “The Social Expectations Committee.”
Ordinary mothers are, of course, not invited to these meetings, which is why absurd concepts like goody bags and thank-you cards always seem to get approved. If a few relatable moms were to infiltrate one of these gatherings and the topic of goody bags arose, it might unfold something like this:
One brave mom would stand up, knock over a folding chair, and exclaim, “So let me get this straight: after I shell out $150 for a bounce house that’s going to destroy my lawn, you expect me to fork over another $50 to stuff junk into bags for every child at the party?” The committee members would exchange nervous glances and reply, “Well, yes dear, how else will we ensure the other moms feel inferior?” Their tone would still be casual, completely unaware that an ordinary mom had breached their secretive circle.
The mom would retort, “But I already spent hours cleaning, decorating, and feeding people! Isn’t that enough?” At this point, the committee would realize something was off, as genuine members don’t usually use phrases like “hours of cleaning.” They’d hastily call for a vote on goody bags before things spiraled out of control. “All in favor?” someone would ask, and only the ordinary moms would be left shaking their heads. The chaos would ensue, with ordinary mothers screaming, “No more nonsense!”
The ordinary moms would go full-on superhero mode, putting committee members in playful headlocks until they agreed to drop the goody bag proposal. Of course, security would swoop in just in time to escort the ordinary moms out, citing an obscure rule about headlocks that the moms had no idea existed.
It’s a real shame because that would mean they’d miss the vote on thank-you cards. If they were still there, they’d likely shout, “Do you have a grudge against trees? Because honestly, what’s the point of making cards that just get tossed right after reading? It makes zero sense!” By this point, chairs would be flying, and security would be trying to maintain order as the ordinary moms caused total pandemonium, leaving the committee shaken and likely never to reconvene.
Hooray for ordinary moms, right? Well, not quite. This scenario is merely a fantasy. Clearly, the ordinary moms are never invited to these secretive meetings where monumental decisions are made without our input.
But we’re here now! Let’s unite. Individually, we might feel powerless, but together we can challenge these ridiculous social expectations that have infiltrated our cherished celebrations. I hereby declare: I will no longer create goody bags or force my child to pen 25 thank-you notes! Instead, I will rent an epic bounce house, whip up the most delectable strawberry cupcakes (okay, maybe they’re from Betty Crocker, but they’re still amazing), order ten pizzas, and keep your kid entertained for hours.
And when you return from your well-deserved break, I’ll give you a heartfelt hug and a genuine “thank you” from both me and my child. And because you’re an ordinary mom too, you’ll respond, “No, thank you!”
For more insights into the world of parenting, check out this previous post from our blog. And if you’re considering at-home insemination, you can find reliable kits at Make a Mom, along with valuable resources from Progyny to guide you through the process.
Summary
The expectations surrounding goody bags and thank-you cards can feel overwhelming for ordinary moms, creating unnecessary stress during already hectic celebrations. By uniting and challenging these norms, we can focus on what truly matters: creating joyful experiences for our children without the added pressure of absurd social expectations.
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