Parenting Performance (n.): The elaborate display parents put on when they are aware that other parents—or, heaven forbid, their own parents—are watching their interactions with their children.
Act 1: Culinary Performance
At home, little Bella might throw a fit at the mere sight of broccoli, and Max could recoil from anything that resembles fish, but that’s just the reality of life with Bella and Max. However, during dinner at a friend’s house featuring salmon and asparagus, it’s time to turn on the theatrics. There are a few ways to navigate this scene:
- The Bold Faced Lie: “Oh, Bella is allergic to fish!” or “Max absolutely adores all veggies, except asparagus!” (Cue the request for pasta, please.)
- Parental Intervention: Bella and Max are whisked away and reminded that as long as they keep quiet, everything will be fine. When dinner arrives, they are served fish and asparagus, but moments later, you find yourself with a second helping while Bella and Max are devouring garlic bread.
- Traditional Approach: Bella and Max are sternly instructed in front of everyone to take at least one bite of everything to be polite. This escalates into a standoff that becomes so awkward that the host quickly orders a cheese pizza instead.
Act 2: Playground Performance
This act primarily involves pretending that another parent’s child isn’t a total brat (“It’s okay, they’re just kids! I’m sure your child didn’t mean to run my kid over with that toy truck!”) or offering excessive apologies when your kid is the one misbehaving, even if you suspect the other child is partly to blame. (“Oh dear, I am so sorry! She usually doesn’t throw sand. What on earth has gotten into her?”)
Other examples of playground performance include making a grand show of taking your child off a swing after just a few minutes while all the other parents let their kids swing indefinitely, or pretending to be on a frantic search for your child while secretly having no clue where they are.
Act 3: Screen Performance
As another family arrives for dinner, your kids are glued to their devices. You yell at them to turn them off, and as the doorbell rings, iPad cases snap shut like magic. “We only allow 20 minutes of screen time a day,” you declare with an air of righteousness, while engaging in a serious discussion about limiting screens with your guests. (Your own phone might still be hidden away, though!) Once dinner is done, the kids revert to their usual chaos: Nerf battles, indoor soccer, and the classic “I’m bored” whining.
After dinner—when the noise level has escalated to a deafening pitch—someone suggests, “Should we watch a movie?” and you realize why you invited these friends over in the first place: for the sweet, sweet silence that screens can provide.
Act 4: ‘Are You Talking To Me?’ Performance
When your kids are young, this act often kicks in when, say, your toddler has a tantrum after being pried off another child’s toy. As she screams and tries to hit you, you counter with a well-rehearsed mix of “No! Don’t hit mommy!” and “Oh sweetheart, I can tell you’re really tired,” topped off with a loud “That’s ENOUGH!” as you strap her into the stroller like a scene from a sitcom.
As they grow older, this performance morphs into moments like when your 10-year-old calls his younger brother a “dork” in a grocery store line, prompting you to stage-whisper, “Watch your mouth!” even though you might’ve just dropped a colorful word yourself earlier in the parking lot.
Act 5: Grandparent Performance
This is the grand finale, where your kids unleash their antics in front of your parents, and you display your “perfect parenting” by attempting to discipline them for not addressing the UPS driver as “ma’am.” You might recall your own childhood misadventures—like tumbling out of the backseat of your parents’ car without a seatbelt. Suddenly, you’re telling your parents where they can shove their judgmental grandparent performance while your kids munch on junk food and play games, probably dropping some colorful language in the process. Don’t judge me, parents from the 1970s! At least my kids are buckled up.
Summary
Parenting can often feel like a performance, with each stage presenting its own set of challenges and theatrics. From mealtime dramas to playground antics, the art of parenting in front of others can be both entertaining and stressful. The key is to embrace the chaos, find moments of humor, and remember that we’re all just trying to do our best. For more insights on family planning and parenting, check out this informative post about home insemination and the essentials from Make A Mom. And to dive deeper into the world of fertility, you can also explore this resource on IUI success.