I’ve been enamored with the magic of movie theaters for as long as I can remember. The aroma of freshly popped popcorn, the thrill of the trailers, and the promise of an escapade all await as you settle into your seat. For my family, trips to the movies have been the perfect remedy for gloomy summer days and chilly winter nights. It’s our go-to solution for breaking free from cabin fever!
But let’s be honest; it doesn’t always go as planned.
More often than not, I walk into the cinema in disbelief after spending nearly $40 on three tickets. If my wallet isn’t enough to remind me how pricey it is, a quick stop at the concession stand solidifies the reality. Another $40 later, I convince myself that you can’t put a price on family bonding, and we’re all set to dive into our cinematic adventure. That’s when we encounter the first of many people who make movie-going a bit of a nightmare.
- The “I’m saving this entire row” lady. Oh, so we can’t sit here? Or there? Or anywhere in this row? They’re on their way, you say? So my kids and I should sit in the front row while your 14 pals stroll in 15 minutes late? Excuse me, Security!
- The “I’m flying solo, so I’ll sit right next to this mom with two kids” guy. Seriously? The entire row is empty, and you choose the seat next to my child? Creepy much? Don’t be surprised if we relocate across the theater and check the sex offender registry to make sure you’re not on it. Just in case.
- The “waits for the movie to start then pulls out a homemade tuna fish sandwich” lady. Why does she always choose to sit two seats away from me?
- The “I brought my own loud, crinkly candies” man. He usually tags along with the Tuna Fish Lady.
- The “Persephone” mom. She’s got a kid with an unpronounceable name and insists on yelling it repeatedly while the kid runs wild. “Persephone, stop! Persephone, come back!” Lady, it’s clear Persephone isn’t ready for a movie outing!
- The “no inside voice” family. I can’t tell if they’re hard of hearing or just clueless, but they walk in talking loudly and only tone it down once the film starts.
- The “rock my chair like it’s a rollercoaster” kid. He’s always in front of me.
- The “kick the seat in front of me” child. Guess who sits right behind me?
- The “let’s make out in the back row of a G-rated movie” couple. Seriously? How old are you?
- The “field trip from summer camp” crew. Did I really just spend $80 to be surrounded by 35 rambunctious 11-year-olds with only two chaperones?
- The “I’m snoozing through the movie” guy. He’s out cold as soon as the lights dim, providing an unwelcome soundtrack of snoring.
- The “wandering theater employee.” What are you doing? Looking for bootleggers? Counting empty seats? Are you going to wake up the Snorer? Why are you staring at me?
As the credits roll and the lights come back on, I gather my half-eaten tub of popcorn and my 75 ounces of lukewarm soda. I follow the crowd to the lobby and try to suppress thoughts of how many Redbox movies (53) or Netflix months (10) I could’ve bought with the cash I forked over to be surrounded by these characters. Only for you, Chris Pratt. Only for you.
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Summary:
The author humorously recounts the challenges of enjoying a movie experience, detailing various annoying characters encountered in theaters. Despite the frustrations, the love for cinema remains strong, highlighting the value of family time.