Dear Sons,
I love you more than words can express. Honestly, there’s not much I wouldn’t do for you, even if it means sacrificing that last scoop of my favorite ice cream. I mean, if I’m silly enough to indulge in a treat while you’re around instead of sneaking off to the bathroom like any sensible mom would, then I guess it’s fair game, right?
I’m a pretty good mom … most of the time. I may have told your dad that the cat was responsible for knocking over his prized beer stein from Bavaria. And yes, I helped you clean up that Lego battlefield you created in the living room, even when I wanted to vacuum without a “buzzkill.”
I often stretch “five more minutes” into 10, or even 15, so you can finish watching your favorite show, like Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Watching you bust out your dance moves to “Hot Dog Hot Dog Hot Diggity Dog” is a highlight of my day. Seriously, keep those moves coming!
Now, I know physics might seem far off, but let’s talk about your bathroom habits for a moment. I have learned two key things about where your pee tends to go:
- Your little appendages are significantly smaller than the toilet bowl.
- Positioning yourselves directly in front of the toilet greatly reduces the chances of unexpected splashes.
Is “splashage” even a word? Regardless, I think we can all agree that it should be avoided.
There are many joys of being a mom to boys. I never have to deal with hair-styling dilemmas like ponytails versus French braids. My heart swells every time I hear “Mommy, you’re pretty,” especially on days when I’m in my pajamas. But cleaning up after you boys? Not so much.
That “boy bathroom smell” is something I’ve become all too familiar with. You know what I mean, fellow moms. It’s the funky odor that even a truckload of Clorox wipes struggles to eliminate. A lovely scented candle might help, but I’m not brave enough to light one near the chaos that ensues.
How is it possible that liquid from such a small source doesn’t find its way into the big bowl of water? After careful observation, I’ve pinpointed several “pee-moves” that are definitely not helping your aim:
- Turning around mid-stream to see what’s on TV or check in with your brother. Keep your focus, boys!
- Attempting to play games like Angry Birds while you pee. Multitasking is great, but not in this case.
- Peeing isn’t a team sport—there’s no need for a wingman until you’re much older and I’ve explained bathroom etiquette.
- Trying to aim in the dark? It’s not going to work out well. Flip on the light!
- Pulling on your “little friend” and trying to create fancy designs with your stream? Trust me; save the creativity for your coloring books.
I have no doubt that you’ll grow into confident, successful men who will marry fabulous women who’ll shower me with expensive gifts for raising such fine individuals. But I really don’t want to be giving side-eye during Christmas dinners because you didn’t figure out how to aim for the toilet at least 86% of the time. So take this little pee manifesto to heart—and for goodness’ sake, remember to flush!
Love,
Mommy
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