When I was expecting my son, Logan, I would have never imagined that he could someday bring such heartache. How could this precious little being, who made my heart swell with love, ever cause me pain? I felt his kindness and good intentions blossoming within me.
Fast forward seven years, and there it is: his sweet voice echoing through my phone. “Mommy, I want to stay with Dad.” And just like that, my heart shatters.
It’s been two weeks since I’ve seen him—the longest stretch apart for us. I feel a profound emptiness. Logan is everywhere in my mind; every moment is tinted with thoughts of what he would enjoy or dislike. Each morning, I see our dog waiting by his door, and I’m tempted to curl up next to her and wait for him, hoping to hear his laughter once more. I nuzzle her nose and whisper, “I miss him too, pup.”
I had been eagerly awaiting this phone call. As the “appointment” time approached, I felt like a middle schooler waiting for a crush to call. When he finally does, his cheerful voice fills the air. He’s having a blast—swimming, playing baseball, munching on sugary cereal. But then, he casually drops the bombshell, and I’m left reeling.
Who could blame him, really? Our life is filled with routines and healthy meals, while his time with Dad is all about water parks and Disneyland. Sure, we have our share of fun, but it’s woven into the fabric of everyday life, unlike the bright, shiny adventures he associates with his visits to Dad.
I understand this, but that knowledge doesn’t ease the pain. I feel as though I’m losing in this “divorce.” It was never my intention for our separation to turn into a competition. I always thought that once the initial wounds healed, we would find happiness and support each other in co-parenting.
I envisioned a future where, after the shackles of an unhealthy relationship were gone, we could come together as a united family for Logan. How wonderful it would be for him to have more loving people in his life! But instead, each visit seems to end with a barrage of accusations directed at me, which my ex hoards for future “court” use.
Logan tells me I don’t pay attention to him. He claims I don’t send him with cool clothes, that he doesn’t have the right haircut, and even that I lock him in a closet for timeouts. For heaven’s sake! I want to scream and fly to Arizona to set things straight. I want to defend myself and dig up dirt to throw back, and trust me, I have plenty.
I want to confront my ex face-to-face and have a heart-to-heart about how ridiculous this all is. I want to ask Logan why he says these things, but I can’t be sure he really has. Ultimately, I don’t want to fight. I want to forgive.
When you lay down your defenses and open your heart, the person attacking you often appears unhinged. Choosing not to retaliate leaves only one path: forgiveness.
So, Larry, I forgive you for trying to turn Logan against me. I forgive your laundry list of grievances. Thank you for loving our son and giving him joyful experiences during his visits. It must have hurt when I left, and I can see your pain behind your anger. I’m sorry I didn’t love you enough to stay, but I loved Logan enough to leave. He deserves the best of us. When we were together, he saw me sad and you distant. Love and forgiveness will always triumph for me—even with a messy list in hand. Even when my heart is breaking.
To learn more about navigating the journey of parenthood, check out our blog post on the home insemination kit! And if you’re looking for more information about pregnancy and options for insemination, visit Wikipedia for a thorough overview.
In summary, this heartfelt narrative captures the emotional turmoil of navigating divorce and co-parenting. It explores the pain of feeling inadequate as a parent while striving for forgiveness and understanding amidst accusations and hurt feelings.