The news of a pregnancy can stir up a whirlwind of feelings: joy, fear, and for those who have faced the heartbreak of loss, a heavy dose of anxiety. If you’re supporting a mom-to-be who has gone through a miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal loss, it’s crucial to be mindful of your words. After all, each doctor’s appointment can feel like a tightrope walk between hope and dread. Instead of basking in excitement, she may be bracing herself for the worst.
Here are seven phrases you should steer clear of when talking to a mom pregnant after a loss, along with suggestions for what you might say instead:
1. “What are you doing differently this time?”
Asking this implies blame, which can heighten the guilt a mother may already feel about her previous loss. Instead, offer your support by asking how you can be there for her this time. Let her know you’re ready to listen to her worries and that you’re wishing her the best.
2. “Everything is going to be fine!”
For those who have experienced loss, the innocence of pregnancy can feel shattered. The belief that once past a certain point everything is safe is a myth they’ve learned the hard way. Rather than offering empty assurances, remind her that there’s support available if she feels overwhelmed. Let her know you’re on her side.
3. “You’re overthinking it.”
When pregnant after a loss, a mother’s mind can spiral through countless “what ifs” instead of focusing on baby gear. Rather than dismissing her concerns, take the time to listen and assure her that her feelings are valid. Check in regularly to remind her she’s not alone in this journey.
4. “You’ve reached the safe zone!”
The idea that there’s a magical point in pregnancy where everything becomes safe can be harmful. After a loss, anxiety can linger long past the first trimester. Instead of celebrating a milestone, be present for her through all the highs and lows of her pregnancy experience.
5. “You must be so excited!”
While some days may be filled with joy, others can be shadowed by fear. Pregnancy after loss often brings a rollercoaster of emotions. Rather than assuming her feelings, give her space to express her true emotions. Some days she might be overjoyed, while others she may feel trepidation—both are perfectly normal.
6. “You’re going to be a mom!”
She is already a mom. Her love and care for her child, even if they’ve passed, defines her motherhood. Instead, remind her of the incredible job she’s doing and acknowledge the challenges of her pregnancy journey.
7. “This baby was meant to be.”
Statements like this can be deeply hurtful. Who decides what’s ‘meant to be’? A child, however brief their time, is always wanted and loved. Instead, share your love and support for her and her baby, emphasizing your genuine care for them both.
Navigating conversations with someone who has experienced loss can be challenging, but it’s always better to offer your support than to say nothing at all. And if you’re ever unsure, just lend an ear. For more insights on home insemination, check out our post on Intracervical Insemination.
In summary, be sensitive to a mother’s feelings and choose your words carefully. Support her through the emotional complexities of her pregnancy journey, while remembering that she is already a mother in her heart.