Parenting
First things first, if you’re my family member, please stop reading right now. Seriously, any relatives, please close this page unless you want Thanksgiving dinner to be more uncomfortable than that infamous conversation about the first Thanksgiving dinner.
I’m 32 years old, a proud dad of three: a rambunctious 2-year-old son and adorable twin girls who are just three months old.
Now, why does this matter when discussing a procedure that involves puncturing your scrotum? Because these details are crucial when you’re contemplating a life-changing decision like a vasectomy.
Let’s be honest—men can’t give birth, and we know that! So, making the choice to prevent further pregnancies is about as close as we get to having a direct hand in family planning. While it may not be as monumental or painful as childbirth, it’s still a significant step.
Interestingly, when my wife and I first talked about this, I didn’t hesitate at all. It’s a big decision to opt for surgery for family planning. Life’s not fair when it comes to who gets to have children—some people would give anything for even one child, while I was making a conscious choice to stop having kids altogether. But ultimately, we had to consider what was best for our family.
Should my wife get her tubes tied instead? We briefly entertained that idea, especially since she was already going through labor with the twins, and it felt like a convenient option. But there are higher medical risks associated with tubal ligation, and frankly, I didn’t want to add another procedure to her plate while she was already managing twins. So, it was my turn to take the plunge. We had three wonderful kids, and I figured that was a solid number. Plus, let’s talk about the joys of condoms, right?
What’s the Process?
So, what’s the process when a guy decides to go for a vasectomy? Here’s my experience:
I started with a quick Google search for “Vasectomy in Springfield, IL.” It’s not like my friends were constantly raving about the best spot for this kind of procedure. I found a reputable urology clinic nearby with a marketing tagline that was definitely not “We’re NUTS about you!”—seriously, missed opportunity there.
Making the call to schedule an appointment to end my ability to procreate felt surreal, but, surprisingly, the booking process was way smoother than any call I’ve had with customer service. If only it were that easy to get a vasectomy through a cable company—I’d probably be waiting all day.
Weeks before the surgery, I had to attend a consultation. Translation: “We’ll need to check if everything down there is normal.” When I arrived, it was clear what I was there for. The waiting room was filled with older gentlemen who were probably dealing with various urinary issues. So, there I was, feeling a little out of place.
When the nurse practitioner asked me to drop my pants, I complied without hesitation, perhaps a bit too eagerly. It’s hard to know the appropriate speed for pants-dropping in such situations—definitely somewhere between “Prepping for a shower” and “Third date.”
Women are accustomed to such intimate medical discussions, but for men, it’s a rarity. Honestly, doctor visits would be a lot more fun if everyone just went in without pants. But I digress.
After a friendly reminder that I’d need to find alternative birth control until the procedure, I thought about my hectic life with newborn twins and a toddler. Problem solved!
The Big Day
Finally, the day arrived. I had a dental appointment scheduled for the same day—let’s call it V-Day. I figured, “Why not?” and decided to take on both in one day.
An hour before the procedure, I took a Valium—definitely a smart move. I also had to shave my nether regions, which was a bizarre experience, feeling like I was preparing for some kind of strange photo shoot.
My wife dropped me off at the clinic, and I felt like I was being sent into battle. She thanked me for choosing to have the vasectomy, but honestly, I should’ve been the one thanking her for not performing the procedure on me while I slept.
When I was taken into the surgical room, the nurse asked, “What brings you here today?” to which I jokingly replied, “A vasectomy, but the fact that you even asked makes me wonder if I’m in the right place!”
The nurse prepped my area with some kind of surgical gel. At any other time, that might have been a highlight, but I was far from excited. Thankfully, my body cooperated, and I didn’t have any awkward moments during the procedure.
Then the doctor arrived. It was showtime. “You have the perfect anatomy for this procedure,” he said, which might just be the saddest superhero compliment ever.
Here’s how it goes down: The doctor makes incisions, clips the vas deferens, and cauterizes the ends to prevent regrowth. It sounds simple, but let me tell you, getting a needle in your testicle—yes, even for anesthesia—is no walk in the park. I could smell something burning, which was not exactly pleasant.
The first side went fairly smoothly until I felt what can only be described as a surprise kick to my groin. Not the worst pain ever, but definitely an unpleasant experience. The same process repeated on the other side: numb it, puncture it, clip it, burn it. The incisions were small and healed quickly, and thankfully, I didn’t experience any bruising.
In less than half an hour, I was officially infertile. The pain wasn’t too bad overall—it felt similar to extensive dental work: uncomfortable at times but manageable. And now, no more worries about unexpected pregnancies.
After the procedure, I gingerly walked to the car, feeling like I was kicked in the groin the day before. I went home to ice myself, but the universe had other plans: my toddler got the flu, and there I was, carrying him around while wincing in pain. Talk about double duty on the birth control front!
The dull ache subsided within a week. However, there’s one last thing to consider: sperm can linger in your testicles for a while after the surgery, meaning you could still get someone pregnant until you clear those out.
At my follow-up appointment, the nurse informed me that I’d need to provide two semen samples a few months later. Yes, you read that right—medically advised to “masturbate into a plastic jar.” Even the thought of that felt clinical.
I was told to ejaculate at least 25 times before submitting the first sample. Some guys claimed they were ready in a week, so there’s hope! The catch? I had to get the sample to the lab within an hour of collection—talk about pressure!
So, wish me luck! And if your partner is contemplating the procedure, reassure him—he can do this. Maybe he too has the perfect anatomy for a vasectomy!
For more information on fertility and home insemination, check out this excellent resource. And if you’re looking for a fertility booster for men, this link might be worth your time.
Summary
In this humorous account, Jake Thompson shares his personal journey through the vasectomy process, detailing the emotions, experiences, and awkward moments leading up to and following the procedure. Navigating the societal norms around male reproductive health, he highlights the importance of open communication and the shared responsibilities of parenting.