Have you ever caught an episode of that show that feels like it peered right into your life? Back in February 2011, I watched one of those episodes of Modern Family that struck a chord with me. Claire was fuming because Phil was excitedly talking about a salad he had heard about—a salad that Claire had been raving about for ages! Phil was baffled, trying to understand why Claire was so upset. It turns out, life is full of those little misunderstandings.
I’ve faced similar challenges in my marriage with Jake. There are times when I feel like he either isn’t listening to me or, worse, he dismisses my ideas unless they come from someone else. It became such a common theme that my sister and I joked about it. When Jake and I were picking out our first couch, she quipped, “Just have your friend Mark recommend it!” Mark somehow turned into the ultimate authority on everything, even when I had already said the same thing.
Take the time I discovered geocaching—a fun outdoor treasure hunt involving clues and hikes. I brought it up to Jake several times, but each time was met with complete silence. Did he even hear me? I even left magazines about it on his desk with “Read Me!” scrawled across them in bold letters. Still, nothing.
Then, out of the blue, over six months later, Jake excitedly shared that he had just learned about geocaching! Before I could say “wedge salad,” he had rounded up our kids, the dog, and a fanny pack, ready for adventure! I still can’t figure out how he got that idea (Mark had moved away ages ago), but I know he didn’t think it came from me. Regardless, he dove into geocaching and bonded with the kids just like I had hoped.
Now, you might be thinking that you wouldn’t tolerate such behavior in your relationship. Shouldn’t Jake listen to my suggestions—be it about painting the living room or planning a weekend getaway? I hear you. But marriage is often about navigating those little frustrations without losing your cool. It’s a dance—a long one with plenty of room for compromise.
I’ve often judged other couples, thinking their marriages were unconventional, only to realize they were just doing their own dance. I remember hearing about friends who would hide their shopping sprees from their husbands or stash away “fun money” to avoid accountability. I swore I’d never be in a relationship where I felt scrutinized over my spending, but I soon learned that while financial transparency isn’t an issue for us, we have our own quirks.
In many ways, Jake and I are aligned in how we manage finances, raise our kids, and uphold our values. Yet, in other areas, we are quite different. He’s always on the go, while I could happily snooze the day away. He’s decisive, while I tend to take my time. We even have different political views. The list goes on.
I’ve realized that waiting for a warm reception to my ideas—like painting walls or adopting a new pet—can take ages. In the past, I’d get frustrated and give up, hoping that someone like Mark would step in with a glowing recommendation. But now, I understand that Jake’s priorities are often different from mine. Even if we both agree to tackle a project, we may not be on the same page about the specifics.
Over the years (and hitting the big 4-0), I’ve learned to take the initiative and let Jake catch up. I present him with narrowed-down choices so he can weigh in without feeling overwhelmed. He does the same for me when it comes to tech gadgets and other decisions.
I’ve also become very clear about my needs—whether it’s a bathroom break during a road trip (“I need to stop right now, even if it’s not lunchtime!”) or adopting a new puppy (“It’s time, buddy!”). In the case of our dogs, Bella and Max, I took the lead in finding them but made sure Jake had time to adjust. It didn’t take long for him to come around. It’s all about that dance of compromise.
And let’s be real: While Phil from Modern Family has his quirks, Claire isn’t always easy to live with either.
By the way, I think we’ll indulge in a wedge salad for dinner.