In my quest to prevent my body from morphing into a version of a well-known actor, I decided to try a ‘Yoga for Pregnancy’ class at around seven months along. I felt a bit nervous since I had never: A) Set foot on a yoga mat before, and B) Been known for my gracefulness. Pregnancy certainly didn’t help matters.
More than one person had likened my athletic ability to a mule dragging a plow or a character from a popular fast-food chain. But hey, what better time to get in shape than when you’re seven months pregnant? This was my first foray into anything remotely “granola,” and I was determined to look calm and collected. The instructor was a free-spirited woman in her sixties, and we began with introductions—just our names, due dates, and if we had a Doula.
I didn’t have a Doula, but when it was my turn, I wanted to fit in, so I blurted out the first name that came to mind: Betty Bake. I had become somewhat obsessed with baked goods during my pregnancy.
During our second class, the instructor introduced us to a list of DVDs she had available for loan, all about “natural” childbirth: Labor … The Best Time Ever, Epidurals are for Amateurs, Your Doctor; The Big Bad Wolf, How to Have Your Baby Like a Wild Animal, and Orgasmic Birth. I couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of it all. But when I noticed nobody else was joining in, I quickly stifled my laughter with a fake coughing fit.
From the moment I announced my pregnancy, friends had inundated me with horror stories about their experiences, focusing on their now “shredded” vaginas. Not once did the word “pleasurable” come to mind during these retellings.
I glanced around the room to see if anyone else shared my discomfort. Nope. It was as if the instructor had merely discussed the weather. “Orgasmic Birth?” No one batted an eye. Just a room full of nodding heads as if those two words belonged together. Spoiler alert: they don’t—and they definitely shouldn’t be mentioned in the same breath.
Our teacher then shared her own experiences regarding that very topic—her “orgasmic” experience while giving birth. My stomach churned, and I silently hoped this was a secret she had kept from her son.
While most of me felt revolted, I’ll admit a small part was curious. When I told my husband about it later, he was equally intrigued.
It took me the full six weeks of class to gather the courage to borrow Orgasmic Birth. I brought it home, and without even taking off our coats, we excitedly popped it into the DVD player.
What followed was some of the strangest moments of our lives. My husband’s expression shifted from eager anticipation to horror. He must have had visions of something steamy, but any such thoughts were swiftly erased by images of swollen, hairy women with nipples resembling orangutan faces, moaning and thrashing in what looked like murky river water. Yes, they appeared to be experiencing pleasure—while giving birth. And that is definitely something you can’t unsee.
These women were in small pools in their living rooms, and some had even taken it outside to their backyards. I can only imagine what the neighbors thought as they peered through their windows.
Some pools were decorated with cartoon fish, adding an extra layer of bizarre. Family members hovered nearby, smiling awkwardly, some even snapping pictures. My mind raced with thoughts of how sober these women were and how awkward Thanksgiving dinner would be moving forward. I was entranced; it was like a train wreck I couldn’t look away from.
My husband, however, was nearing a full-on panic attack. In a fit of desperation, he grabbed the remote, shut off the DVD, and tossed it across the room. We sat in silence for a solid ten minutes, then got up and went out to lunch as though nothing had happened.
We never spoke of that experience again. There was no part of me interested in the idea of “orgasmic birth,” and I could never again look my instructor in the eye.
A few months later, I gave birth in the most clinical, painful, and non-sensual way possible. And honestly, that was the best gift I could have ever given my daughter.
For more insights on pregnancy and home insemination, check out this article or explore this resource for more information. If you’re interested in IVF, the NHS offers excellent resources that are worth a look.
Summary:
This humorous account of one woman’s experience during pregnancy captures the absurdities and discomfort associated with childbirth discussions. From a yoga class led by a free-spirited instructor to the shocking realities of “orgasmic birth,” the narrative dives into the unexpected and often hilarious moments that accompany the journey to motherhood.