In just a few months, I’ll be hitting the big 4-0, and to my shock, the two individuals who were there to witness my grand entrance into the world won’t be around to join the celebration. Both of my parents passed away while I was in my late 30s. While many of my friends are busy congratulating their parents on retirement or considering moving them closer for care, I find myself stepping into the role of the eldest generation in my family.
Here are a few insights I’ve gathered along the way:
- Make Your Plans, But Expect the Unexpected
Five years ago, I was pregnant with my second child and embarking on a new job that was my ticket out of the newspaper grind. I was less than thrilled about being an eight-hour drive away from my parents and siblings, but I figured I would sort it out eventually. Then, in fall 2010, my mother received a diagnosis of Stage IV ovarian cancer. We didn’t know at the time (because, naturally, she kept it to herself), but the doctors gave her two years. They were right. She passed away two years and five months later in April 2013. After that, my dad spent a year trying to fulfill the promises he made to my mom about being a great grandparent and father. But with 65 years of living hard and neglecting health issues, he didn’t last long either, leaving us just 14 months later. At 35, I thought I had years ahead with them, but I had been taking time for granted. - Sometimes, It’s Just Too Late
I don’t mean to sound harsh, but if you know you’re being a jerk and can’t seem to stop, then it’s time to cut it out! I’ve had many sessions with a wise counselor over the past couple of years. Right after my dad passed, she told me it was okay if his death brought me some relief. For years, I had hoped for a relationship with him like the ones my friends enjoyed with their dads—one without constant conflict. Now, I understand that relationship will never be a reality. I miss my dad’s warmth towards his grandkids and his witty remarks, but I don’t miss the stress of our arguments. I wish things had been different, but we can’t rewind time. If you still have a chance to mend your relationships, do what you can. - Recognize What You’ve Had
Whenever I start feeling down about my situation, I remind myself that “someone else is happier with less than you have.” My circumstances aren’t tragic; I had my parents until my mid-30s. They walked me down the aisle and cradled my babies. That’s an incredible gift compared to what many experience. I have immense respect for those who conquer the loss of a parent or face unimaginable hardships like losing a spouse or child. They deserve to be the ones offering wisdom. - Practice Self-Care
This gem comes from my wise counselor again. At some point, I adopted the mindset that the person under the most stress or with the least sleep wins at adulthood. I’m not alone in this thought process. If you’re working 70 hours a week and find fulfillment in it, that’s fantastic! However, if you’re just trudging through the days with a voice in your head saying, “This isn’t the life I want,” it might be time to reassess. I was fortunate to transition from a full-time job to freelance writing and editing earlier this year. While it hasn’t been a smooth journey, after six months, I feel I’m finally heading in the right direction. Life is too short, and we never know what tomorrow holds. I’m trying to live with that in mind.
For more insights, check out this article on Intracervical Insemination for additional perspectives. Also, if you’re interested in home insemination, Make a Mom offers a wealth of information on the topic, and don’t miss the excellent resources available at Hopkins Medicine for pregnancy and insemination.
Summary
As I approach my 40th birthday, I reflect on the lessons learned through the loss of my parents. Life is unpredictable, relationships need nurturing, and it’s essential to appreciate what we have. I strive to be kinder to myself and embrace the uncertainty of the future while making the most of the present.