Ever since I hit the big 4-0, I’ve noticed some pretty significant shifts in my body and mind. It’s like I woke up one day and my body was playing a cruel joke on me. Suddenly, I’m bloated, irritable, and achy, and to add insult to injury, my hair has transformed into a frizzy mess. My once youthful skin now boasts crow’s feet, and I’ve mysteriously gained weight despite sticking to my usual diet. At this point, I half-expect to be diagnosed with a rare tropical disease. But no, it’s even worse—I’m trudging through perimenopause.
Perimenopause is that confusing stage leading up to menopause, lasting several years (joy of joys). It’s essentially puberty in reverse, and let me tell you, it feels like riding a roller coaster backward. If I can’t face the wrong way on a gentle train ride without feeling queasy, you can imagine how much fun this is.
Here’s how perimenopause is wreaking havoc on my life:
- My Period Is a Wild Card
Gone are the days of predictable cycles. Now, my period has become a surprise guest at the worst possible times. It could show up every two weeks or take a hiatus for six—who knows? The duration is just as unpredictable. One month, I’m done in two days; the next, I’m dealing with a full-blown marathon. I’ve had cramps and heavy bleeding that make me long for the boring periods of my youth. - Sleep? What’s That?
Every night, I vow that I’ll get to bed early and enjoy a full night’s sleep. Spoiler alert: it never happens. I’m up every couple of hours, grappling with hunger, bathroom trips, or just wide-eyed boredom. This lack of quality rest leaves me dragging through the day, relying on coffee to function. Ironically, my body has decided it no longer processes caffeine like it used to. If you spot me frantically dancing in the grocery aisle, I promise it’s just the coffee kicking in. - Weight Gain Without Warning
Nope, not pregnant—just excessively bloated. Elastic waistbands have become my best friends. Despite eating healthier than ever, my metabolism seems to have taken an extended vacation. I used to enjoy snacks without a care, but now, even the tiniest indulgence sends me spiraling into a higher dress size. - New Hair, Who Dis?
I used to laugh at older women with chin hairs, and now here I am, sprouting my own! Those pesky hairs can spring up overnight, and I can’t even see them until they’ve become a full-blown problem. Am I turning into a walrus? It sure feels that way. - Oops, I Pee’d
Sneeze? Cough? Laugh? Jump? You bet I’m playing a game of chance with my bladder. I’m like an old house with charming vibes but a plumbing disaster. - Mood Swings Galore
PMS has decided to have its final hurrah, and it’s not holding back. I’m irritable over the smallest things: trips to IKEA, missing snacks, and even the ticking clock at night. I sometimes fantasize about working at a haunted house just to unleash my frustration—who wouldn’t want to chase people with chainsaws as a side gig? - Skin Gone Wild
I’m so dry and wrinkled I could be a Halloween decoration. Apparently, breast tissue shrinks during this time, so my left boob might as well be a deflating balloon. And let’s not even get started on the age spots that are popping up like unwanted party guests. - What Was I Saying?
What was I saying? Oh right, brain fog. It feels like my mind has hit its capacity and is struggling to keep it together. I’ve turned into the person who forgets why I walked into a room and needs to take notes just to remember the simplest tasks. - Tears on Demand
I cried over a marching band last week. Yes, a marching band. Every little thing makes me emotional, from puppet shows to fireworks. It’s like my tear ducts are on a never-ending roller coaster. - Temperature Turmoil
My body’s thermostat is completely broken. I wear sweaters in summer and find myself in a bathing suit during a snowstorm. What gives?
But that’s the essence of perimenopause—everything is topsy-turvy, confusing, and unexpected. Knowing I’m not alone in this journey makes it easier to laugh at my symptoms sometimes, when I’m not in tears, that is. It’s a tough phase of life, akin to puberty, and once it’s over, I plan to throw a massive celebration—or, more realistically, just head to bed early.
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Summary
Perimenopause brings unexpected challenges like unpredictable periods, sleepless nights, weight gain, mood swings, and skin changes. While this phase can be overwhelming, understanding that it’s a normal part of life can help ease the stress. It might not be fun, but finding humor in the chaos can make the journey a little lighter.