Picture this: I’m in an organic grocery store, and wouldn’t you know it, my period decides to make its grand entrance. “Perfect timing!” I think to myself, as I stroll over to the feminine hygiene aisle, ready to explore my options.
However, as I stand there, my mind races with confusion over the bizarre array of choices available. Reusable cloths, menstrual cups, chlorine-free, fragrance-free, plastic-free, bleach-free pads made from 100% organic cotton, non-applicator tampons, sea sponges, bamboo fiber leak-proof panties, soaking containers for those reusable cloths, and stain removers crafted from plant-based ingredients. Oh, and let’s not forget the guide to alternative menstrual products!
My gaze drifts over to the “intimacy” shelf, where gluten-free lubricant catches my eye. Apparently, even vaginas can embrace a vegan lifestyle! Slightly bewildered, I toss a pack of “natural” pads into my cart—consider it my first step into the eco-friendly world of menstruation—and hastily head to the restroom.
Right off the bat, I encounter a dilemma: these pads come unwrapped. Seriously? How am I supposed to discreetly manage an unwrapped sanitary napkin that’s the size of a small pillow? If I were to go out for a fancy dinner and needed a backup, do I roll it up in some eco-friendly plastic wrap and shove it in my purse? Or maybe I should just carry it around in a brown paper bag? Surely, there’s a biodegradable option somewhere—I must have accidentally grabbed the ultra-green variety.
As I try to apply the adhesive backing to my high-waisted underwear, I quickly discover that without industrial-strength glue, it just won’t stick. So there I am, awkwardly waddling through the produce section in search of non-GMO potatoes while praying that my wood-pulp-and-wheat feminine protection doesn’t make an appearance on the checkout floor. Honestly, going green with your period is no easy feat!
Perhaps menstrual cups or sustainably harvested sea sponges are better options, but I’m hesitant about the idea of reaching around my crimson area to suction a tiny silicone cup. What happens if it overflows? What if it gets lost? And what’s the deal with those sea sponges? Are they plants or some sort of sea creature? I’ve put my fair share of questionable things down there, but I draw the line at aquatic life. Why not just insert a piece of kale while we’re at it?
To complicate matters further, I’ve learned that vaginas come in various sizes. I’m just five foot two—does that mean I have a petite vagina? How do you even determine your vagina size? How have I gone through life without knowing if my vagina is long or short!?
And then there are the hardcore cloth users—those women who likely home birth, homeschool, and whip up their own baby food. I admire their dedication, but let’s be real; I can barely keep up with laundry. How could I possibly manage soaking, washing, and reusing my bloody rags? Isn’t separating my recyclables enough to earn me some eco points?
I can’t help but feel a twinge of guilt about my past menstrual choices. How many non-biodegradable plastic tampon applicators and scented overnight pads have I sent to landfills? How many cycles do I have left, and if I change my ways now, will it actually help save the planet? Perhaps I’m learning about this green period movement a tad too late.
This whole experience feels overwhelming and a bit medieval. Maybe the best solution is to stay home for five days each month. Better yet, I could ask my partner to build me a menstruation hut complete with WiFi, a wet bar, and air conditioning. I could keep my uterine issues to myself, lessen my carbon footprint, and enjoy a break from household chores.
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In summary, navigating the world of eco-friendly menstrual products can feel like a daunting task. From the bewildering choices at the store to the practicalities of using them, it’s an adventure that requires some adjustment. While I may not be ready to fully embrace the green period revolution just yet, I certainly appreciate the alternatives available and the positive impact they can have on our planet.