As a mother of 7.5 years, I’ve certainly had my share of less-than-proud moments. For instance, there was that time my daughter scattered Cheerios across the gym floor during her sister’s volleyball practice. Instead of cleaning it up, I subtly stepped aside, letting her munch on the mess while trying to blend into the background. Or those countless occasions when I convinced my toddler to play “hair stylist,” allowing me to sneak in a nap while she brushed my hair—definitely the most luxurious treatment I’ve experienced in ages! And let’s not forget the epic fail of “creative mom” when I let the kids paint on the porch only to find the house siding was their canvas of choice.
But there are a few things I can confidently say I’ve managed to avoid as a mother. Here’s a list of things I’d never do—at least, not on my best days:
- Pretend I didn’t hear the baby crying in the morning while I stayed snuggled in bed.
- Lock myself in the bathroom with the fan on, hoping to drown out the chaos of the kids’ screams.
- Witness one child attempting to poke her sister’s eyes out and do nothing about it.
- Forget to inform someone to pick the kids up from daycare.
- Balance both kids on my lap while I took a bathroom break.
- Deny the kids ice cream before dinner only to sneak bites when they weren’t looking.
- Grieve the state of my post-baby belly.
- Hold a newborn and think, “Thank goodness that’s not me.”
- Allow my kids to run around in just their underwear because I was too exhausted to dress them.
- Come home from work and feel relief that I missed the day’s meltdowns.
- Watch my child pick out only marshmallows from their cereal without batting an eye.
- Wake up and think, “I really can’t handle this today…” while hiding under the covers and shedding a tear for myself.
- Endure a 20-minute bathroom session with my toddler while imagining all the better things I could be doing instead of cleaning poop.
- Face four children crying at once and simply turn away, because what else can you do?
- Force a smile when all I wanted was to retreat back to bed.
- Find myself binge-reading blogs by seemingly perfect mothers who bounce back into bikinis while juggling babies at 1 a.m. and wonder why I’m not married to Mr. Perfect. Oh, and let’s be honest—crafts are not my forte.
- Doubt my ability to work and raise kids simultaneously, questioning the impossible.
- Feel guilt wash over me when my partner comes home and assures me, “Honey, you’re doing just fine…”
- Be so touched-out by the end of the day that I cringe when my partner reaches for me in bed.
- Crank up the volume in my car to drown out the bickering from the backseat.
- Experience feelings of disgruntlement for no apparent reason.
- Long for a life in Stars Hollow where free coffee is always available.
- Wonder if, when my kids become teenagers, I’ll finally have to admit that I have no idea what I’m doing.
What’s that? You haven’t done any of these things? Fantastic! Neither have I.
For more parenting insights and relatable stories, check out our other blog posts, like this one on home insemination techniques or learn more about effective options at Make a Mom. Don’t forget to visit the CDC for excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
In this lighthearted take on motherhood, I share the things I’ve done—and haven’t done—over my years as a mom. From avoiding chaos to the absurd lengths we sometimes go to find a moment of peace, this piece reflects the unfiltered realities of parenting.