As I recently swiped my card on a jukebox, I thought to myself, “This will be hilarious.” Little did I know, I’d just squandered a small fortune to hear a cringe-worthy ’90s track. Just when I was ready to belt out those lyrics, the bartender cut it off after a mere 10 seconds! I tried suggesting “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” but apparently, it doesn’t fit the bar vibe. So there I was, out a bunch of cash with nothing to show for it.
How did jukeboxes get so pricey? Those fancy touch-screen models promise every song you can think of but can easily drain your wallet faster than you can say “student loans.” So, let’s navigate this musical minefield together—strategically, of course.
The Crowd Favorites
These are the tunes that function like the cute puppies of the jukebox—everyone loves them.
Top Picks: “Sweet Home Alabama,” “Sweet Caroline,” and “Sweet Child O’ Mine.” Basically, anything that has sweetness to it. Don’t forget about “Brown Eyed Girl,” “Old Time Rock and Roll,” “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It),” and “Respect.”
Your Personal Favorites
These songs might not win over the crowd, but who cares? You’ll be too busy singing into your drink like it’s a magical microphone!
Top Picks: “P.Y.T.” is a must, along with anything from Beck’s experimental phase. “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” is a classic, and don’t overlook Sonic Youth’s heavier distortion tracks. Bobby Brown, from New Edition to his solo career, is also a solid choice.
The Guilty Pleasures
This is your moment to shine!
Top Picks: “November Rain” and “Return of the Mack” are personal faves. And if anyone questions the brilliance of New Radicals’ “You Get What You Give,” just tell them it’s a pop masterpiece.
The Epic Tracks
You want value for your cash, right?
Top Picks: “Purple Rain” at 8:42 is a solid investment. “Gypsy Woman” by Tim Buckley clocks in at a whopping 12:19, and if you’re feeling brave, Brian Eno’s “Thursday Afternoon” stretches for an impressive 61 minutes. And Meat Loaf? He’s always a good bet for a lengthy tune.
The Trendy Selections
For the hip crowd, whether it’s vintage or fresh, this is where you can impress.
Top Picks: For something new, go for a track by a band with a quirky spelling, like Chvrches or Haerts. If you’re leaning toward the classics, ask yourself, “What would Zach Braff choose?” and then pick something just a tad more obscure. Got a hidden gem from Nick Drake? You’re golden.
The Umlaut Effect
I firmly believe that everything sounds cooler with an umlaut!
Top Picks: Try “Could You Be the One?” by Hüsker Dü, or anything from Mötley Crüe, Björk, or Motörhead. And if you can handle a few dudes yelling about cowbell, give “(Don’t Fear) the Reaper” by Blue Öyster Cult a go. Just steer clear of Queensrÿche, which I’m convinced has been banned from all public venues since 1994.
This article was originally published on June 26, 2015.
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Summary
Choosing the right jukebox song is an art form that requires strategic thinking and a bit of humor. From crowd-pleasers to guilty pleasures, understanding your audience and your own tastes will ensure you get the most bang for your buck. So, next time you find yourself at a jukebox, remember these tips to make your selection a hit!