It was one of those chaotic toddler tantrum Tuesdays when I decided to call my partner, Max, to see if he had finished work. Honestly, I was desperate for a break—or at least some much-needed help. When he picked up and confirmed he was en route home, I suggested ordering pizza because, let’s be real, amidst the chaos of messes, screams, and time-outs, I hadn’t managed to whip up a single meal. To my surprise, he was in a cheerful mood and suggested we take the kids out to dinner instead.
After a grueling 12 hours of non-stop bickering and tears from everyone involved, the thought of taking our toddlers out in public felt like a recipe for disaster. “Honey, I just can’t. Today has been awful, and I’m not up for it,” I replied, feeling the weight of my exhaustion. His silence spoke volumes about his disappointment. With a heavy sigh, I reluctantly acquiesced, “FINE. I’ll get the kids ready.”
In a huff, I quickly brushed my daughter’s hair, wiped the kids’ faces, and got them dressed. As we loaded them into the car, I shot Max a pointed look and muttered, “You owe me.”
Later that night, despite my fears, the outing turned out to be surprisingly enjoyable. Reflecting on my earlier comment, I had a humbling epiphany: saying “you owe me” should never be part of a marriage.
The phrase carries an unspoken demand, suggesting that the other person must repay you in some way—or else. Or else you might feel resentment. Or else you could withhold affection. Or else you might slack off on your marital responsibilities until you feel compensated.
In wedding vows, we promise to love each other “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.” At the heart of these promises is the essence of marriage: selfless love. It’s a partnership where we honor one another, and throwing around “you owe me” drains the love and respect from the relationship. Sure, marriage involves give and take, but it’s also about prioritizing your partner’s needs above your own, embracing sacrificial love.
When I said “you owe me,” I was essentially declaring that we weren’t equal partners at that moment. I was holding the higher ground, making Max feel as if he had to make it up to me quickly. This stripped him of the freedom to love me unconditionally and turned it into an obligation. That’s not love.
Marriage can be tough. Even the happiest unions face challenges, obstacles, and trying times. I refuse to complicate my relationship by insisting on a favor in return. Instead, I choose to love without expecting anything back. After all, on that beautiful day in 2009 when I said “I do” to Max, I committed to loving him selflessly to the best of my ability—and that’s exactly what I intend to do.
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Summary:
In marriage, the phrase “you owe me” can undermine the essence of love and partnership. True marital commitment involves selfless love, prioritizing your partner’s needs, and avoiding the expectation of reciprocation. Embracing this mindset fosters a stronger, more respectful relationship.