Back in my early twenties, I had a friend named Sarah. Sarah was vibrant, hilarious, and had a knack for discovering the best late-night taco joints or spotting emerging bands that may or may not have once shared a stage with Nirvana. She was truly one of a kind.
One evening, as we were enjoying a night out at a bar, a handsome guy strolled by but instead of stopping to chat with us, he chose to approach another woman—one who fit the “classic beauty” mold with her flowing blonde hair and eye-catching outfit. Watching them share a laugh, Sarah erupted into a harsh critique of the woman’s looks and intelligence. I was taken aback. All this woman did was dress up for a night out, just like we did. Was she really that different from us?
“Why are you directing your anger at her?” I asked. “Shouldn’t your frustration be aimed at him for not noticing you?”
My words fell flat as Sarah continued to dissect this stranger’s appearance to anyone who would listen. Unfortunately, this wasn’t an isolated incident. Another friend of mine, on the verge of graduating from a prestigious business school, overheard a classmate mocking her after a job interview: “She’ll never land the job. Just look at her outfit and makeup. No way.” And then there was that guy I dated who insisted he could never work for a woman, and shockingly, the other women in the room nodded in agreement.
Fast forward to today, and many of us are now in our thirties, juggling roles as wives and mothers. Yet, I still see echoes of that same judgmental attitude—the competition, the criticism, the lack of support. But instead of vying for attention from men or fighting for career advancement, the battleground has shifted to parenting choices: working moms versus stay-at-home moms, breastfeeders versus pumpers, and co-sleepers versus cry-it-out advocates.
It’s the same old story of women undermining one another, just in a new context. Now, I want to clarify that not all mothers engage in this behavior, just as not every young woman is a backstabber. However, the ongoing “mommy wars” and the harsh judgments we face as mothers highlight the need for a fresh perspective. If we want a community of supportive moms, we must start nurturing this mindset early on.
We need to instill in our daughters the importance of valuing friendships with other girls, whether they’re painting together in kindergarten or sharing secrets at sleepovers. Let’s correct them when they use hurtful words like “ugly” or “fat” about another girl. Encourage them to cheer for their friends at sports events and switch off TV shows that promote female disrespect.
We also need to reflect on our own behavior. Our daughters are watching and listening. They hear us calling another woman “bitch” or judging a mother for breastfeeding in public. They notice whether we lend a hand to a mother struggling with her child in the grocery store or roll our eyes in disdain. They absorb our criticisms of female supervisors and the judgmental comments we make about other women.
We don’t have to relive the “mean girl” era of our youth. By teaching our daughters to see other girls as allies rather than rivals, we can hope they grow into women who uplift and support one another when they become mothers. With the right guidance, perhaps the “mommy wars” will become a relic of the past, something they read about in outdated blog posts or sociology classes, rather than a reality they live.
And as for that striking woman who once irked my friend? She’s likely a mom now too, navigating her own parenting challenges—perhaps even indulging in a quick ice cream break in the bathroom during a toddler tantrum. I wish her all the best.
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Summary
Women often find themselves in competition with one another, whether in their youth or as mothers. By fostering supportive relationships among girls from a young age and reflecting on our own behavior, we can help create a future where women uplift each other instead of tearing each other down.