After nearly 12 years of marriage, my life has been filled with milestones—buying a house, getting a car, adopting a rabbit, and raising three amazing kids. We’ve experienced our fair share of joyful moments and challenges, yet here I am, contemplating a divorce. The hard part? Finding the courage to voice this desire.
Let me clarify: my husband, Mark, is not a bad guy. In fact, he’s quite the catch, well-respected in our community with people often saying, “Mark is such a lovely man!” He genuinely is kind and caring, especially towards our children. My mother beams with pride, telling folks that I’ve married a “good man with a heart of gold.” With so much praise surrounding him, how could I consider leaving when everything seems so perfect on the surface?
We don’t argue, he’s not abusive, and I haven’t found someone else—nor am I looking to. The truth is, we’ve lost the connection that once bonded us as a couple. Since our youngest started school, I’ve been struggling to find work, which has left me feeling less than valuable. I’m a great mom, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m not contributing enough to our family. When was the last time Mark told me I looked nice? Or that he appreciated me? It’s as if our relationship has settled into a comfortable routine devoid of romance. We haven’t been intimate in over a year, and at 35, that’s not something I want to resign myself to for the rest of my life.
I crave more than just the routine pecks goodbye. I long for spontaneity—a surprise kiss or a warm embrace in the kitchen. But despite our good rapport, our relationship feels more akin to that of siblings than partners.
Financially, we’re balancing on a tightrope. While I’m grateful we can pay the bills and provide for our children, the rising cost of living weighs heavily on my mind. I want to be able to give our kids the experiences they deserve—music lessons, vacations, and dining out without the constant worry of our budget. I’m tired of lying awake at night, stressing about my job prospects while my husband tells me I should just be content.
I’ve urged Mark to seek a better-paying job, but he insists I should find work too. The part-time job market is brutal, especially for positions that align with our family’s needs. I recently applied for 27 office jobs, and the results were disheartening—most applications went unanswered, and I faced rejection after rejection. I want to create a better life for myself and my children, not just survive day by day. I don’t want to be the “miserable mom,” stuck in a rut while my kids deserve a joyful upbringing filled with opportunities.
The thought of leaving fills me with dread. I fear being labeled as selfish or heartless, especially when my friend was harshly judged for her similar decision. Society often expects women to stay in seemingly perfect marriages, and my situation is no exception. If I were to leave Mark, would people assume I was having an affair? They might see me as a villain instead of a woman seeking happiness.
I loathe feeling trapped and resentful towards a genuinely good man. Recently, I overheard myself telling my daughter, “If someone is unkind, walk away. You deserve better.” If only I could take my own advice.
If you’re navigating similar feelings or looking for support, you might find insights in our other blog posts, like this one on home insemination kits. For those on a journey to parenthood, check out this resource on couples’ fertility journeys. And for excellent information on pregnancy and home insemination, visit Progyny.
In summary, I’m at a crossroads where I feel the need for change, yet the fear of societal judgment and the unknown holds me back. I want to reclaim my happiness and provide the best for my children, but how do I navigate these waters without feeling like the villain in my own story?