“Good morning! Everything is terrible. Especially you—yep, you’re included.”
“Seriously, it’s already 8 AM—where’s my breakfast cheeseburger? I can’t function without it!”
“Ugh, those clothes you’re wearing? They look like a bag lady’s wardrobe. And what’s with the bra? Just let it go!”
“Hey, have you considered giving yourself a haircut? Just a snip here and there, and voila! You’ll be sobbing over your too-short bangs in no time.”
“Feeling feisty? Let’s call your mom and start a family feud.”
“Your family is driving me up the wall. Are they only annoying when I’m around? The sound of your husband munching is like nails on a chalkboard, and those kids? They can’t even dress themselves!”
“Now’s the perfect moment to shout about how unappreciated you are. Do they think the laundry does itself, or that groceries magically appear in the fridge? Newsflash: it doesn’t work that way!”
“I never get to smash anything! Honestly, you’d feel a lot better if you just threw some dishes against the wall instead of washing them. Or how about tossing some rocks at passing cars from the porch? Just let me slam a door or two, please!”
“Your house is a disaster zone. If you don’t clean up the burnt leftovers and wipe those grimy door frames in the next twenty minutes, I might just torch the place myself.”
“Let’s escape! Or better yet, how about we make everyone else run away? But it’s raining, and they look too cozy to budge. I guess I’ll just have to throw myself into a full-blown tantrum—if you could hyperventilate on the floor, that would really help.”
“Skip the shower today. You know it won’t do anything to ease this self-loathing mood we’re in.”
“What is wrong with you? Do you even have real problems, you spoiled little brat? Every time I see you, it’s like a sad, snarling mess. Get it together!”
“Am I being harsh? Just think about all those poor souls who have to see your face every day.”
“What exactly is your purpose in life, anyway?”
“I thought you were a writer. Why aren’t you typing away? Instead, you’re just sitting there, looking like a total fool. Wait, I see an idea forming… Nope, never mind, delete it. You should just quit already.”
“What do you mean it’s my fault you feel this way? This is just how you are now! Things aren’t going to improve. It’s like the walls of your mind are closing in, and the guys in white coats are coming to take you away.”
“Wait! Where do you think you’re off to? Why are you lacing up those running shoes? What’s this ‘acupuncture’ appointment on your calendar? Is that a meditation pillow? Do I smell bath salts? Forget it—I’m not dealing with this nonsense.”