The other day, my 4-year-old daughter asked if I could help her build a spaceship while I was juggling dinner and trying to soothe the baby who was expressing his displeasure in his high chair. Naturally, I agreed—though my enthusiasm was more of a façade. I often find myself feeling irritable when she requests elaborate crafts like “Space Pirate” or “Superhero Princess” costumes, which require significant effort on my part. So, I made a conscious effort to keep my cool.
However, attempting to play with building blocks while cooking turned out to be quite the challenge! When she asked me for the third time to make my move in our game, I snapped, “Do you know how tough it is to cook and play at the same time?” Of course, she didn’t. She’s never had to prepare a meal. I worried that I might be sending her the message that her requests could lead to frustration.
We all know couples whose constant bickering turns any gathering into a scene from a drama. What will their kids think? That snarky comments and jabs are just par for the course in relationships? Reflecting on my own marriage, I realized that it serves as a model for my children’s future romantic endeavors. So, I reached out to Mia Harper, a relationship therapist trained by the Gottman Institute, to explore how to foster healthy partnerships and model them for our children. Here are my key takeaways on what joyful couples teach their kids:
1. Responding to Bids for Attention
Psychologists Drs. Julie and John Gottman highlight the importance of “bids for attention” in relationships. When my partner shares something exciting from work, I have three choices: I can “turn towards” him by engaging, “turn away” by ignoring him, or “turn against” by being dismissive. Mia shared that happy couples respond positively to these bids 86% of the time, while unhappy couples do so only 33%. Responding to these small requests fosters connection and reassures our partners that we care.
2. Politely Postponing Attention Requests
As a busy mom, I often rush to address everyone else’s needs, even when my hands are literally on fire from cooking. I’m learning to say, “I can’t focus on your story right now, but I can after dinner,” without adding a hint of annoyance.
3. Handling Overwhelm Gracefully
Balancing childcare, housework, and work can leave anyone feeling overwhelmed. It’s crucial to remember that my kids aren’t the cause of my stress; it’s something my partner and I need to navigate together. Mastering the ability to handle stress without taking it out on loved ones is a vital skill.
4. Making Amends After Unkind Responses
Mia emphasizes the importance of “repairs” after being short with someone. Apologizing for my snappish response to my daughter about the blocks was necessary. It reassured her that I value her feelings.
5. Cultivating a Culture of Appreciation
We should express our gratitude for one another verbally. Mia suggests acknowledging the little things, like saying, “Thanks for dinner,” or “I appreciate how you handled that situation.” This instills in our children an understanding of appreciation and respect within relationships.
6. Being Socially Engaged
As parents, it’s essential to be aware of our kids’ social circles. Mia advises inviting their friends over and being involved in their lives. When children have a solid foundation of kindness and respect modeled at home, they’ll expect the same in their friendships and relationships.
7. Avoiding Contempt
The Gottmans identified contempt as a major predictor of divorce. Mia points out that if children witness contemptuous behavior at home, they may accept it as normal. It’s crucial to foster an environment free of emotional abuse.
8. Understanding Humor’s Boundaries
Sarcasm can sometimes cross the line into contempt. Mia shared an example of a couple where one partner’s “joke” humiliated the other. Such comments may seem lighthearted on the surface but can cause lasting damage.
9. Creating Your Own Family Culture
It’s easy to slip into traditional gender roles, but couples must consciously create their own family culture. Mia advises ongoing discussions about these topics to ensure both partners feel valued and respected.
In conclusion, the lessons we teach our children about relationships are rooted in our own behaviors. By fostering healthy communication, appreciation, and respect, we can guide them toward fulfilling partnerships in the future. If you’re interested in further exploring topics surrounding home insemination, check out this excellent resource that provides great insights. For more information about at-home insemination kits, you can visit this authoritative site.