GRAPHIC CONTENT WARNING: This post includes vivid descriptions of a cow giving birth, but I assure you that reading about it is nothing compared to the experience of being just 10 FEET AWAY from the actual event. So, take a breath and let’s dive in.
Recently, in my quest to “experience nature” (or whatever fancy excuse one might use to justify watching something a bit messy), I decided to take my kids to observe a large cow deliver a smaller, yet still sizable, calf. Now, I know many of you reading this have either been present for or have personally gone through the birth of a human. As for me, I’ve only witnessed the former, but I can confidently say that cow births are on a whole other level of wild.
You may wonder why I would subject myself and my children to this spectacle while enjoying a glass of milk—an act I can hardly stomach anymore. The reason? I live in Indiana, where cow births are practically a daily occurrence. Whether you’re driving to grab a pork tenderloin or a new sports jersey, chances are you’ll spot calves being born in the fields. Some farms even let you lend a hand if you bring your own gloves! Honestly, you can’t throw a dead cat without hitting a birthing cow around these parts, and believe me, that’s a lot more common than you’d think.
So, here’s the scoop. We visited a fantastic farm in Indiana called Fair Oaks, which is home to tours, activities for kids, and the freshest chocolate milk you could ever imagine. They even serve up the best grilled cheese sandwich I’ve ever tasted (sorry, Grandma!). But the real highlight was the live cow birthing center—a makeshift theater featuring two concerned-looking cows in a concrete room with straw beds, illuminated by fluorescent lights. Honestly, it felt like the worst production of Shakespeare I’ve ever seen.
I found the whole setup a bit intrusive. I’m not a woman (pretty sure about that), but having been present for a few births, I sensed that this wasn’t the kind of event where the mother would want a crowd of Midwestern tourists peering in. I felt for the cows, lying there, oblivious to the fact that their bodies were on display for curious onlookers.
But there we were, in the thick of it, because “the miracle of life” and all that. My 10-year-old is naturally curious, and at one point he leaned over to his 2-year-old brother and exclaimed, “Look! That’s what happened when you were born!” He even added, in a tone reminiscent of a preschool teacher, “Except Mom wasn’t a cow.” Mom was relieved he made that clarification!
Despite the unusual situation, my older son seemed to take it all in stride. “That was pretty cool,” he said as we exited, and I tried to gauge his feelings without directly asking if he’d be traumatized by the experience. He said, “I like seeing the beginning of a life,” though I suspected he could have done with a little less of the cow’s placenta. As for the 2-year-old? He stared wide-eyed for a moment, clapped, then took off running around the room, yelling for orange juice, and even managed to punch me in the eye—just an average day, really!
For all my joking, the cow appeared unfazed. Sure, she looked a little uncomfortable and was breathing heavily (or was she? I’m still unsure what a cow’s breathing pattern is supposed to look like). But she didn’t seem to be in any kind of distress, didn’t cry out for pain relief, and definitely didn’t call for an anesthesiologist. She simply delivered the calf, got up, stretched, and then settled in for a nap on the straw. Well, after a lengthy licking session with her newborn, which I assured my son was something Mom didn’t do.
If you’re interested in more about pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource at Progyny, and for those looking to explore home insemination options, visit Make a Mom. You can also learn more about various methods at Intracervical Insemination.
Summary
In a humorous recount of taking his sons to witness a cow giving birth, Jake shares the blend of wonder and absurdity that comes with such an experience. With a mix of jokes and genuine insights, he captures the reality of nature and the miracle of life, all while keeping the tone light and engaging.