Updated: Sep. 25, 2019
Originally Published: June 1, 2015
First, let’s get real for a moment. (Okay, deep breath time.) … Here it is: I had an affair.
Here’s how it all unfolded. I was single, and he was married. His marriage had lasted about eight years, mostly filled with unhappiness and couple’s therapy. I had just ended my own long-term relationship and, unbeknownst to me, was rebounding. Instead of dealing with my heartbreak, I dove headfirst into an affair. Things got complicated when I fell head over heels. Before this, I had always looked down on cheaters. But now? Not so much. Whether you’re the one cheating or the person on the receiving end—or both—there are some universal truths I’ve come to understand. Put aside any judgment (starting with Lesson 1 below) and consider these practical insights:
1. Those Who Judge Cheaters Often Haven’t Been There
It’s a tempting thought: “If you haven’t cheated, don’t pass judgment.” However, I now understand that people often lack the full picture. In the past, I thought I knew relationship dynamics, but then some friends in committed partnerships strayed. Their stories revealed the gray areas of fidelity, and I realized that life is rarely black and white.
2. Yes, It’s Incredible (But There’s a Catch)
Everyone claims that the thrill of the forbidden makes the experience unforgettable, and to an extent, that’s true. But that thrill doesn’t last forever. What truly made my encounters exciting was the deep exploration and connection I found with my partner, which ultimately improved my sexual experiences in future relationships.
3. Exciting Encounters Come with Consequences
Engaging in thrilling experiences can distract you from the possible fallout—like tearing apart a marriage or damaging a family. Such moments often lead to careless decisions—like leaving incriminating messages on your phone. My affair remained under wraps, but many don’t. If you choose to go down this path, prepare for the reality that you may get caught, which could lead to irreversible damage in your life.
4. Lies Go Both Ways
If intimacy dwindles in a relationship, or if your partner becomes secretive, these signs may indicate infidelity. I suspect my partner’s wife turned a blind eye to the signs of his cheating. Often, we lie to ourselves about our relationships, but ignoring the truth only prolongs the inevitable confrontation of those issues.
5. There’s More to Every Story
While lying together, my partner shared his grievances about his marriage: “We haven’t been happy in ages.” Yet, he conveniently left out the positive aspects—what he cherished about his wife. If he acknowledged the good, it might have put an end to our affair sooner. His selective storytelling allowed me to live in a fantasy, clinging to the hope he’d choose me over his wife.
6. Time to Be Honest About Your Relationship
For those in dead-end relationships, it’s time to muster the courage to face the truth. “But we have kids…” or “But it would crush him…” These are valid concerns, but your happiness is paramount. Kids learn best about happiness from their parents. Yes, there will be challenges, but they won’t last forever. For inspiration, consider Louis C.K.—after his divorce, he found happiness on the other side.
7. It’s Hard to Leave Without a Push
Many people find it tough to leave unhappy relationships on their own. They often seek new love as a catalyst. In my experience, most relationships that end did so because one partner left for someone else. It happened to me—my ex-boyfriend left for someone else, and though their relationship didn’t last, it led to both of us finding greater happiness.
8. Honesty Isn’t Always the Best Policy
I knew a woman whose husband cheated while she battled cancer. Admitting the affair could have worsened her condition. Not all spouses want to hear about infidelity. Sometimes, it may be better to end the affair and channel that newfound energy back into your marriage.
9. But Sometimes, Honesty is Key
Couples can and do recover from infidelity. I’ve seen relationships heal after a period of anger and counseling, often emerging stronger than before.
10. One-Sided Cheating Has Its Perks
For me, being the single party made it easier to maintain a clear conscience during the affair. It allowed me to remind myself that my married partner was the real scumbag, and I deserved better. If you’re cheating too, this thought process may not work as well for you.
11. No One’s Really Innocent
While I enjoyed feeling blameless for a while, I eventually realized I wasn’t entirely innocent. I played a role in the deceit, and that’s something I have to live with.
12. Trusting a Cheater is a Challenge
As much as I fantasized about a future with my partner, deep down, I knew I could never fully trust him. His history of infidelity would always loom over our relationship. In the end, I chose to end the affair because I didn’t want to be a cheater anymore. That was my most significant lesson.
If you’re looking for more insights into relationships and parenting, check out our other blog posts at Home Insemination Kit. You can also find valuable information about fertility at Make a Mom and Facts About Fertility.
Summary
Reflecting on my affair taught me valuable lessons about relationships, trust, and self-discovery. Cheating reveals a complex web of emotions and consequences that challenge our perceptions of fidelity. While the experience may seem thrilling, it often comes with significant risks and moral dilemmas. Ultimately, my journey led to a realization about the importance of honesty and self-respect in love.