Looking back, I really should have noticed the signs. Like when Jake would belt out the lyrics to Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me” every time it played on the radio, as if it were his personal anthem. But somehow, I didn’t catch on.
There were those late nights when he’d come home smelling like perfume, leaving me to question my sanity. “You’re just overthinking it,” he’d say, planting seeds of doubt in my mind.
I mean, sure, he’d cheated on me before when we were younger—but I was young and hopeful, convinced he had changed. I wanted to believe it so badly, clinging to the idea that our love could withstand anything. Denial felt safer than facing the truth.
Then there was the growing distance. What started as three times a week dwindled to once or twice a month. It felt like I was running a marathon alone, while he barely noticed I was still in the race. He even stopped telling me I was beautiful, though perhaps he never really started. I was busy juggling kids and life, too preoccupied to realize how deeply that hurt.
And let’s not get started on the intimacy—or lack thereof. I’d walk downstairs to find him engrossed in porn, and my heart would shatter. But in my mind, I reasoned that maybe I deserved this treatment. After all, I wasn’t crazy or pretty, right?
Then there were the showers—oh, the showers. Every time he returned home, he’d rush to the bathroom. I convinced myself it was just a habit, another excuse I swallowed whole.
The turning point came during a visit to my OB/GYN, when I was asked if either of us had other partners due to a series of infections that felt all too suspicious. I called him, and he gave me the same tired excuse. But it didn’t matter; I loved him, and we had a life together. I simply chose to ignore the glaring signs.
It took me over eight long years of marriage to finally confront the truth about who he really was. But even after that revelation, it took another two years to rediscover the woman I once was. I will never forget the day I looked in the mirror and thought, “I’m not ugly.” It was a revelation that made me realize how I’d let someone so unkind convince me otherwise. I deserved love, respect, and a partner who was faithful. I deserved to feel beautiful in my own skin. I should have recognized that sooner, but now I finally do.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, please know that you are worth so much more than you realize. It might feel like the end of the world to leave, but I assure you, it’s not. I’ve lived through this darkness, and breaking free lifted an enormous weight from my shoulders.
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Summary:
This piece reflects on the journey of self-discovery after years of being in an unfulfilling relationship. The author shares personal experiences that reveal the signs of emotional neglect and infidelity, ultimately leading to a powerful realization about self-worth and deserving love.