As a new mom, I find myself with plenty of time on my hands—though not the kind that involves cleaning or personal care. It’s more like that in-between moment while I’m waiting for my coffee to brew, where my thoughts drift into the vast realm of parenting mysteries. Even months into this new chapter, I’m still scratching my head over these motherhood queries that seem impossible to answer:
- What in the world is BPA? Is it like gluten or asbestos? All I know is it’s something to steer clear of at all costs.
- Why does no one want to hear my epic birth tale? It’s a thrilling saga! I understand that terms like “episiotomy” can make folks squirm, and maybe I should save my lactation anecdotes for my first post-baby get-together, but come on—who doesn’t want to know about my victory over excruciating pain or the fascinating shade of my amniotic fluid? Anyone?
- Do all moms think their newborns are adorable? Because sometimes they resemble a Cabbage Patch version of Gollum. Still adorable? Just checking.
- Why is dressing a baby so convoluted? With all the snaps and buttons, by the time I’ve wrestled my little one into a onesie, she’s already soiled it again. Seriously, can’t baby clothes be designed with quick-release Velcro like a magician’s assistant?
- Why do I have over 20 types of pacifiers, yet my baby insists on using the one that’s now discontinued?
- Does a baby going to sleep at 1 a.m. and waking at 4 a.m. count as “sleeping through the night”? Just curious.
- Why is it that the moment my kid finally falls asleep, I morph into a clumsy detective, stumbling around her room and bumping into anything that makes a racket or blinks?
- Who creates those jingles for toys? It irks me when they skip rhymes or rhythm altogether. My baby has toys that punctuate their verses with giggling—talk about lazy songwriting! And wouldn’t sales skyrocket if they were voiced by charming accents like British kids or someone like Morgan Freeman?
- Will I ever be able to casually say the word “nipple” without turning red like a teenager? The new terms in my lexicon, such as “nipple confusion,” “breast pump,” and “co-sleeper,” make me feel less like a mother and more like a production assistant for an adult film.
- How many calories are in a placenta? If people eat it, do they sauté it with veggies or just gulp it down raw, like health nuts chugging raw eggs?
- Is there any way to keep my nursing cover from feeling like a sauna? It gets pretty steamy in there.
- How crucial is it to know my baby’s growth stats? I haven’t a clue what “percentile” she’s in, so I’ve just been winging it: 85th percentile in ‘thigh rolls,’ 98th in ‘screaming volume,’ and 5th in ‘sleeping through the night.’
- Why do even the simplest toys arrive unassembled? Seriously, do toy makers not see the irony in needing a toolset to put together a toy toolset?
- What’s up with the product called the “Baby Bullet”? Those two words should never go together, much like “organic cookies” or “good night’s sleep.”
- It gets easier, right? I keep hearing that toddlers and teens are a breeze to deal with. For now, I’m choosing to hold onto that hope.
For more insights and support, you might want to check out this excellent resource on infertility or explore the journey of intracervical insemination. And if you’re looking for a deeper dive into the realm of home insemination, this guide is a must-read.
Summary:
Navigating the world of motherhood leads to countless questions, from the baffling to the downright humorous. New moms often find themselves contemplating everything from the mysteries of baby products to the oddities of nursery rhymes. Embracing these moments of uncertainty is part of the adventure!