Fair warning: You might want to put down your snack before diving into this.
When you find out you’re pregnant, conversations with other parents often revolve around the sheer joy of parenting. Love, sunshine, laughter, cuddles, and all that good stuff. But what many forget to mention is that parenting — especially motherhood — can get downright revolting. I mean, you might not even imagine the extent of it. Some of the scenarios I’m about to lay out might not happen to you, but believe me, you’ll likely face something equally cringe-worthy that catches you completely off guard.
The Arrival
Let’s kick things off with the arrival of your little one. Whether you’re delivering the baby naturally or via a C-section, let’s just say it’s not exactly a glamorous affair. I won’t get into the nitty-gritty details; you can find those if you look. But what really doesn’t get talked about enough is the aftermath of childbirth. Picture this: a scene that resembles a horror movie for several days post-delivery. You’ll be changing your own adult diapers every few hours for up to a week — not because of incontinence (although that can happen), but because of the blood. Yes, it’s as messy as a Quentin Tarantino film.
And when you’re standing in the shower two days after giving birth and a bloody mass the size of a grapefruit falls out of you? That’s totally normal. I wish I were joking.
The First Diaper Change
But hey, it’s all worth it when you gaze lovingly at your sweet little angel, right? That is, until the first 2 a.m. diaper change when your adorable darling decides to unleash a fountain of bright yellow poop all over the bed, the clean diaper, your pajamas, and perhaps even a bit of your hair. Just when you think you’ve got it cleaned up in your zombie-like state, they do it again.
The Road Trip
Or how about that picturesque road trip through the mountains? You know, the one where your toddler suddenly decides to projectile vomit all over her car seat, and you’re stuck in a hot car with no place to pull over while realizing you left the diaper bag — complete with wipes and a change of clothes — sitting by the front door at home.
For those of you who haven’t reached this stage yet, let me put it plainly: You WILL get vomited on. It’s not a matter of if, but when. And I’m not just talking about the little spit-ups; I mean full-blown kid vomit with all the grossness included, down the front of your pajamas at 3 a.m. (Okay, I can’t guarantee this will happen to you, but it comforts me to think we’re all in this together.)
The Poop Dilemmas
Let’s not forget the delightful moments when your toddler may become “stuck” during a poop and you find yourself in the unfortunate position of having to assist. Yes, I’m talking about helping things along — manually. Oh, and when your 2-year-old decides to be an independent pooper, only to stand up too soon and drop a surprise on the bathroom floor, stepping in it and then tracking it all the way up the carpeted stairs? Yup, that’s motherhood for you.
This is just the tip of the iceberg, folks. Motherhood isn’t for the weak or fainthearted. If you’re particularly squeamish, I hope your partner isn’t, because one of you will need to step up. In my case, it’s always been me. I’m the one who ends up covered in vomit and scraping poop out of underwear. Lucky me.
The Ongoing Mess
And let’s be real — the grossness doesn’t stop with the toddler years. I thought the messy stage ended after potty training, but that was naive. One of my kids went through a phase of picking her nose and wiping it on her pillow at night. Changing the bedding would reveal a constellation of dried boogers decorating the pillowcase. I assumed this was a unique ordeal until a friend shared that her son once asked if she wanted to see his “booger collection.”
If that’s not bad enough, there’s the story of a mom who discovered her son had a stash of Dixie cups filled with urine in his closet. He claimed it was a “science experiment.” Do you know what happens to pee that sits around? It turns into gelatin. Yes, gelatinous pee cups hidden away. Kids are a whole new level of disgusting.
And while I’m not trying to pick on boys, let’s just say that boys and bathrooms are a particularly volatile mix. No matter how much you teach them to aim, it tends to go awry. After a barbecue with some friends and five boys aged 4 to 9, our upstairs bathroom looked like it had been hosed down with pee. Seriously. Pee everywhere: the floor, walls, vanity, and even in the bathtub. It’s a recipe for disaster.
Then there’s the tale of a younger relative who once decided to relieve himself in a showroom toilet. It was a desperate situation, and while it ended up being a funny story later, it was still mortifying for his parents at the time. And just when you think kids can’t get any grosser, my sister-in-law caught my niece sucking on the bolts of the toilet. Yes, toilet bolts.
Lest you think I’m surrounded by wild, feral children, I assure you that each of these kids has loving and responsible parents. They’re all generally great kids. But kids will always find a way to surprise you with their grossness.
The Truth About Parenting
There’s a reason why these parenting realities aren’t talked about more often: they’re messy, a bit embarrassing, and not at all aligned with the romanticized versions of parenthood. Yet, it’s the truth, and the truth can be pretty ugly. So, brace yourself. While nothing can fully prepare you for this journey, at least you know what might be on the horizon.
Now you can return to your snack. Good luck, and may your boys aim true!
Resources
For a deeper dive into pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource: Women’s Health. If you’re looking for an all-in-one home insemination kit, visit Baby Maker, a reliable source for your needs. And for more insights, you can also read about the process here.
Summary
Motherhood is filled with joys, but it also comes with its fair share of messiness and surprises. From the chaotic moments right after childbirth to the hilarious yet gross antics of toddlers, parenting can be truly disgusting. Yet, these experiences are shared by many, and while they may be embarrassing, they are also part of the journey that makes parenting uniquely challenging and rewarding.