If you’re a woman who’s shared any feelings of disappointment or sadness following your birth experience, you’ve undoubtedly heard this phrase: “All that matters is a healthy baby.” This is such a well-known statement that it hardly warrants repeating. However, the shame surrounding the feelings of new moms who aren’t completely thrilled with their birth experiences is isolating and harmful. Remember, new mothers, you have every right to feel upset about your experience. It doesn’t make you a bad mom or uncaring person.
My first birth ended in an emergency c-section that left me shaken. My baby’s heart rate dropped dangerously low, which whisked me away from the delivery room to the operating room. The chaos, the rushing, and the fear were overwhelming. I couldn’t help but think, “Bad things happen to people. Why should I be any different? Am I going to lose my baby?” Thankfully, he arrived healthy and beautiful, and I was grateful, but that didn’t erase the trauma of the experience. My memories of that day are clouded with panic and dread. It was incredibly challenging for me to emotionally recover from the fear I experienced in those moments leading up to his birth.
I found myself crying almost daily for three months after that event. I lost count of how many times someone would say, “Well, the most important thing is that your baby is healthy.” I wanted to respond, “Really? Thanks for the reminder.” I felt like I had failed my first test of parenting by not being able to simply push my own feelings aside and express gratitude for my healthy baby.
When people face tough situations, there’s often a reflex to remind them that it could be worse. Yet, this approach only serves to make someone feel guilty about their completely valid feelings. Women who have undergone traumatic births—or even those who simply didn’t enjoy their experiences for reasons unrelated to trauma—are entitled to their emotions. Giving birth is a monumental, life-altering, and often stressful event. Why shouldn’t you be allowed to have feelings about how it went?
The notion that a woman should ignore her own feelings because she has a healthy baby is both patronizing and unkind. It implies that she doesn’t have the right to feel the way she does because others have it worse. Yes, some women tragically lose their babies during childbirth. That’s catastrophic, not merely traumatic. The two experiences are not comparable, and reminding a new mom about the potential for loss is hardly a comforting gesture.
If you know someone who has gone through a tough birth experience, here are some supportive phrases to consider:
- “I’m sorry.”
- “You made it through.”
- “I’m here if you need to talk.”
Try to resist the urge to make everything about the baby. A woman who has just given birth is still a person with her own emotions and experiences.
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In summary, it’s vital to acknowledge the emotional complexity surrounding birth experiences. New moms are entitled to their feelings, and dismissing them with phrases like “All that matters is a healthy baby” can be damaging. Support and understanding are essential during such a transformative time.