As I savored my usual February tradition of indulging in a full box of Girl Scout Thin Mints paired with a glass of Pinot Noir, a thought struck me: where’s the Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Issue? I contemplated skipping the annual commentary after last year’s barrage of criticism, including some rather colorful insults. But then I thought, why not? A little controversy keeps things interesting.
So here it is, my 2015 Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Buying Guide. No need to purchase anything; I can whip up my own version right here. Just pass me my grandmother’s kitchen curtains and a few of her old mesh footies. Wait, do I even own a sewing machine? Oh well, guess you’re on your own for that one.
Can someone lend a hand with those shoulder straps? It seems like she’s forgotten that both shoulders can be utilized. But hey, who cares about symmetry when you’re living life on the edge?
Ah, behold the offspring of a one-piece and two-piece swimsuit hybrid, a design that looks like a drug-induced fashion statement.
Get ready to embrace your inner cowboy because seriously, nothing screams elegance quite like fringe on a swimsuit. I affectionately refer to these as “Play Dough Squish.” They’d probably make my hips look like petite hot dogs sticking out of those side straps. Ketchup, anyone?
And here we have the modest version for those who enjoy a little cheekiness without going overboard. A little less sand in the wrong places would be ideal, right? I can only imagine the exfoliation happening down there, or worse, some unfortunate bleeding. That hair and sand combo? Just a recipe for itchiness.
“Rocks make the perfect lounge spot,” said no one ever. I’d be the one with a post-breastfeeding situation awkwardly hanging out one side, likely plummeting into the water behind me, or worse, getting swept away by that monstrous wave lurking in the background.
Are you planning to hop into that hammock or just stand there looking glam? Move aside, so I can take a load off! And while you’re up, how about a vodka on the rocks?
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In summary, the 2015 Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Collection serves up a wild blend of daring styles that may inspire you to embrace your own summer aesthetic—if you can navigate the quirky designs, that is!
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