Once upon a time, I found myself diving headfirst into the dating pool. Lots of dates with plenty of different guys—none of whom resembled Matthew McConaughey, mind you! It was a wild, liberating, and often lonely adventure, a way for me to explore who I was post-divorce while engaging in adult conversations that didn’t revolve around which toddler had an unfortunate accident during nap time. Or the latest in the Star Wars saga. Or endless queries about boogers.
But let me tell you, the things that came out of some of these men’s mouths were downright astonishing. I’d use the term “immature,” but honestly, even my then-4-year-old wouldn’t utter such awkward remarks while discussing Tauntauns. Among the hot, brainy, and charming gents, there were a few standouts who really knew how to leave an impression—usually a negative one. “Did you really just say that?” became my mantra, especially when some guys seemed to find their cringeworthy comments amusing. Here are some of the most memorable gems:
- “Wow! You look way better in person than in your profile picture!”
Thanks for the compliment, Guy in the Cat-Hair Fleece! Clearly, you were excited to discover I didn’t resemble a troll. And considering you were the one who swiped right on all my carefully curated photos, should I take that as a sign of your low expectations? Spoiler alert: You looked way worse than your profile pics, and this was just the start of a truly disastrous date. - “All my exes are nuts. Like, need-medication-nuts.”
Gentlemen, just a heads up: Women don’t buy this line. Why? Because we’re often labeled as the “crazy ex” ourselves. If all your past relationships ended in chaos, maybe you’re the common denominator wearing the crazy crown. This little gem was dropped right after the Cat-Hair Fleece Guy expressed shock at my real-life beauty. - “You seem too needy to go out with again.”
Oh, Cat-Hair Guy, you’re really racking up the offenses. After an hour of him lamenting about his exes, I couldn’t help but point out that he might be the reason for all that “craziness.” Then, like a true gentleman, he offered to pay for our beers and hit me with the needy line. - “Should we connect on LinkedIn?”
After the needy comment, this guy’s dating prowess took a nosedive. Four years later, he tried to connect with me on LinkedIn. Nothing says, “Remember our magical date?” like a LinkedIn request, right? His memory seemed to have faded faster than my interest in him. - “How do you feel about pain?”
This question was whispered into my ear during a drive, and I honestly didn’t know how to respond. Was this his way of inviting me to his apartment? It was way before the Fifty Shades phenomenon, so he had no trendy excuse. I declined his advances, especially after he forgot his wallet—twice! - “What’s your take on men with excessive hair? Everywhere?”
Feel free to chime in with your answer. I’ll wait. This guy clearly didn’t get that some questions are better left unasked. Spoiler alert: he didn’t mean he was all for embracing a non-waxing lifestyle. - “You’re going to write about me, right?”
The answer is a big no. While I may share my dating misadventures, you’ll be more of a cautionary tale for others. But don’t worry—there are great people out there, and I’m optimistic I’ll find them amidst the chaos. - “When can I meet your son?”
Um, never! At the time, I had a little one at home, and dating was my business. I was not about to introduce my child to every guy I shared guacamole with. If you think I’m going to rush into that, you’ve got another thing coming. - “You wear a lot of makeup.”
And you’re sporting a velvet blazer, my friend! If first dates are about pointing out the obvious, we’re both nailing it. Just know that I’ll reveal my true self when I feel comfortable. - “I’ve never met a woman who wasn’t looking to get married. So why are you dating?”
Oh, sweet summer child. We didn’t meet at a matchmaking ball. Women today can choose to live freely, have fulfilling relationships, and enjoy life without a marriage certificate. - “Let’s connect on Facebook!”
How about we first see if you’re a good kisser or if you’ve got a penchant for late-night outings? I had a strict ten-date rule before allowing any guy to befriend me on social media. After all, I don’t want just anyone poking around my life, especially when some dates don’t even merit a second round.
In conclusion, dating can be both hilarious and frustrating, especially when faced with such absurd comments. Despite the bumps along the way, the journey is worth it for the chance to meet someone special. If you’re navigating the world of home insemination and pregnancy, check out this resource on pregnancy and our friends at Cryobaby for valuable insights on this topic. For more on home insemination, visit this blog post.