Updated: Feb. 3, 2016
Originally Published: May 15, 2015
There are days, maybe once or twice, when a flash of wild, chaotic violence against my baby crosses my mind. It’s like a fleeting shadow, lasting mere moments. Sometimes I’m the one doing the deed; other times, it’s an unknown figure. My partner, Alex, reassures me that it’s just my baby’s incredible vulnerability triggering these bizarre thoughts. But I know it’s also because I feel suffocated—not just by her constant demands, but also by the overwhelming, mindless love I have for her. Thank goodness I’m an older mom now; I don’t freak out. I’m allowed a couple of these thoughts and if they ramp up, it’s off to the doctor for some happy pills—shoes or no shoes.
One night, when my firstborn was just six weeks old, she cried relentlessly. I swaddled, rocked, nursed, sang, patted, and even tried to dance with her. I changed her diaper, even though it was dry. I swapped out her outfit, convinced that a pesky tag was the culprit. Nothing worked—she just kept wailing.
And I was beyond exhausted. I mean, REALLY, REALLY tired. Every hour or so, she’d seem to calm down, and I’d lay down hoping for a moment of peace, only to be jolted awake by her piercing cries.
Finally, I felt a sharp crack in my mind, like a shard of glass breaking apart. In that split second, I imagined tossing her out the window. I could see it vividly: my arms swinging back, the force of launching her forward, the weight of my precious angel slipping from my grasp. I could even hear her cries fade as she fell.
This disturbing vision lasted barely a second, but it terrified me. What was wrong with me? Was I experiencing postpartum psychosis? Was I a terrible mother? Had I made a colossal mistake?
I broke down in tears and called my mom. I didn’t mention my dark thought; I was too embarrassed. Instead, I told her the baby wouldn’t stop crying and described my fatigue, hoping that would mask my feelings of inadequacy. She listened and then said, “Oh, Jenna. I remember when your brother was a baby and wouldn’t stop crying one night. My only instinct was to throw him out the window.”
I gasped, laughed, and cried all at once, a classic sleepless mom reaction. My rock-solid mother, who never displayed a hint of aggression, had the same dark thought? This was normal? I wasn’t alone?
She then told me it was perfectly fine to put the baby down and step out for a breather. “Take a deep breath. Regain your sanity. Go outside if you need some peace.” Her wisdom saved me. I had absorbed all the literature on nurturing and attachment, convinced that good mothers instinctively respond to every cry. It never occurred to me that sometimes, babies just cry, and you might not have a clue why. And let’s be honest, unless you have supernatural powers, the sound of a baby wailing can drive anyone to the brink. We all need a break sometimes.
Gaining permission to step away from my baby was one of the best gifts I could have received. Over the years, I’ve realized that these Terrible Mothering Thoughts come and go with alarming frequency. I wasn’t raised in a punitive environment, yet I’ve occasionally felt the urge to smack my child. I assumed that because I had a nurturing upbringing, I wouldn’t have to deal with those feelings. But kids can push you to your limits—crying, whining, and complaining about the most trivial things.
It’s important to remember: a Terrible Mothering Thought is not the same as a Terrible Mothering Act. Just because you think something doesn’t mean you’ll act on it. I knew I would never actually toss my baby out the window, just as I’d never strike my cheeky child. Those urges may arise, but I’ve learned to accept them without judgment.
If you’ve ever wondered if you’re alone in those thoughts, take heart—you’re not. Many moms don’t discuss it, but it’s more common than you think. Of course, if you find yourself having thoughts that truly frighten you or feel like you might harm your child, seek help from a professional. But occasional Terrible Mothering Thoughts? Totally expected.
While you might not be eager to share those thoughts, it’s helpful to talk about them every now and then. We all need to know that we’re not alone in this wild ride of motherhood.
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In summary, it’s completely normal to have thoughts that challenge your perception of motherhood. Recognizing that you’re not alone can be incredibly reassuring; just remember to take care of yourself along the way.