Let’s face it—pumping is a royal pain, both literally and figuratively. Who really wants to get strapped into a machine that awkwardly stretches your breast into a plastic funnel while your precious milk slowly drips into small bottles? As Tina Fey humorously put it, breast pumps are like “Williams-Sonoma Tit Juicers.”
Every time I pumped, it took me at least 20 to 30 minutes, and that’s not even counting the cleanup and storing of milk afterward. All told, I was tied to that machine for a good 30 to 40 minutes. Sure, if that was my only job as a mom, it might be manageable. But let’s be real—I was often juggling my kids’ needs, working, or both. It was chaos!
And trust me, whatever you do, don’t accidentally knock over your hard-earned milk after pumping. I did that a couple of times, and let me tell you, the tears I shed could fill a small ocean. My friend had it worse, though; she lost months’ worth of milk because her freezer decided to take a permanent vacation.
Pumping can lead to some interesting scenarios, let me tell you. I’ll never forget the day my mother-in-law walked in on me pumping while balancing a bowl of cereal on one leg, bouncing my fussy baby with the other, and reading a book to my older child. I even rigged my nursing bra to hold the pump so I could grade papers and eat dinner all at once! One time, I plugged my pump into the outlet in our bathroom while using the other socket for my hair dryer and curling iron just to multitask before heading to work.
Sure, there are breast pumps that allow you to be mobile—like, you can cook and clean while pumping—but those come at a steep price, possibly costing part of your kids’ college fund or therapy sessions for them in the future. Honestly, who wants to clean and cook when you’re running on fumes, just trying to keep your kids safe and teach them something before your partner gets home? And let’s not even get into the caffeine dilemma; too much coffee can lead you straight to breastfeeding Hell!
I’ve pumped in various locations, from my home to work to a bar. You name it, I’ve probably pumped there—yes, even in a car! Friends of mine have pumped while driving through rush-hour traffic, but I’m not that coordinated. Instead, I opted for the passenger seat. I once pumped on the way to a weekend getaway and, fearing for my milk’s freshness, I tossed it out the window, only to have it bake into a nice paste on my car. Lesson learned!
During that weekend, I carried my pump in a backpack and learned the art of “pump and dump” at rest stop bathrooms. I quickly realized that while pumping is no walk in the park, the payoff of providing my kids with nutritious milk is absolutely worth it. After all, my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard! Well, I don’t really know what that means, but you get the idea.
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Summary
Pumping breast milk can be a time-consuming and sometimes chaotic experience for mothers. From accidental spills to multitasking while pumping, the challenges are real. Yet, the benefits of providing nutritious milk for your children make the hassle worthwhile.