Just a day before my 12-week ultrasound—often seen as the green light to share your pregnancy news—I found myself in the ER, bleeding heavily and facing yet another miscarriage. It was the third time I had experienced this heart-wrenching loss in just four years. The first was an early loss at six weeks; if I hadn’t already known I was pregnant, I might have mistaken it for a late period. But I did know, and the pain was profound. I confided in only a few people, convinced that my hectic lifestyle, late nights, and the occasional cigarette before I was pregnant were to blame. “You don’t take care of yourself!” I berated myself in a relentless loop. It was devastating.
The second pregnancy was an ectopic one. I faced a difficult decision: wait to see if it would be viable or risk rupturing my uterus. I chose the wait, only to find out it wasn’t going to work. I remember the cab ride to the hospital for the methotrexate injection, a medication that stops the growth of rapidly dividing cells—like cancer cells or embryos. Again, the self-blame was all-consuming.
Then came the 12-week miscarriage. The sheer volume of blood terrified me, and as my partner helped me out of my blood-stained clothes, I felt like I was fading away. A nurse reassured me, “Don’t worry, honey. This is totally normal. This happens.”
It’s a harsh reality that nearly one in five pregnancies ends in miscarriage. Yet many of us who endure this loss experience feelings of shame and guilt. A recent study published in Obstetrics & Gynecology highlights how widespread these feelings are; almost half of the surveyed individuals who had faced a miscarriage reported feeling guilty, while over a quarter felt shame. Interestingly, many believed the miscarriage rate was much lower than it actually is. This misconception stems from societal norms that encourage us to keep pregnancies secret until we reach the “safe” 12-week mark. In doing so, we inadvertently create a taboo around miscarriages, leaving many to suffer alone.
Dr. Ethan Collins, who directs a program focused on early and recurrent pregnancy loss, shared with The Guardian, “Our findings show that there are many misconceptions about miscarriage. Since it’s so common yet rarely discussed, women often feel isolated after experiencing a loss. We need to increase awareness to diminish the associated shame and stigma.”
The truth is, about 60% of miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities—nothing you could have altered. Other causes include uterine issues or untreated health conditions. Yet, many believe that stress, lifting heavy objects, or certain contraceptives play a role in miscarriage rates. This just isn’t the case.
By sharing our experiences, we help break the silence surrounding this painful subject. If you’ve ever participated in a pregnancy forum, you know that once you mention a miscarriage, you can feel ostracized. Some even think it’s contagious, leading to a bizarre need for “Trigger Warnings.” It’s absurd!
On one side, some people insist that anyone can have a baby, which undermines the emotional journey of motherhood. On the other hand, society often fails to allow women to grieve their miscarriages appropriately. People expect us to simply move on, forgetting the dreams we had for the children we were nurturing in our hearts.
Women often feel silenced because miscarriage is isolating, lonely, and painful. It’s challenging for others to grasp what we’ve lost. In our search for answers, we internalize blame, questioning why our bodies failed to fulfill a promise that many assume is innate to all women.
I hope this new research reaches anyone feeling guilty about their miscarriage. We face enough challenges without adding self-blame to the mix. If you’re navigating a miscarriage, I urge you to speak up. Share your story, mourn your loss, and remember: it’s not your fault.
For more resources on pregnancy and home insemination, check out Mount Sinai’s excellent resource. And if you’re interested in exploring at-home options, this fertility kit can be a helpful tool. Also, learn more about home insemination in this informative blog post.
Summary
Miscarriage is a painful experience that affects many women, yet feelings of guilt and shame often accompany this loss. Despite the fact that nearly one in five pregnancies ends in miscarriage, society tends to stigmatize the topic, making those who experience it feel isolated. It’s essential to share our stories and understand that most miscarriages are due to factors beyond our control. Seeking support and resources is crucial for healing.