Updated: December 20, 2015
Originally Published: May 12, 2015
At 20, life can feel like an endless maze of possibilities, but sometimes, you find yourself lost and unsure of the way out. After graduation, you might dye your hair a vibrant purple, indulge in too much weed, and enroll in a local school for a music and video business program, all while your parents foot the bill for your home, your hair dye, and your green habit.
The streets of Seattle pulse with the echoes of bands like Nirvana and Pearl Jam. You find solace in their music—each note sends shivers down your spine and ignites a fire in your soul. But despite the melodies surrounding you, you feel stuck. You have a million words swirling in your head, but they seem to evaporate when you try to share them. In class, you keep your gaze low and your voice quiet.
Nights are filled with the chaotic sounds of the city rather than the peaceful whispers of nature. The sirens and shouts make you question if you should be out there, forging connections and finding love. As you skip school to escape into the world of cinema or lounge on your futon, the vibrant colors of life begin to fade to grey.
You are a slow song, unfolding at your own pace. On some nights, as Mazzy Star plays softly, you light candles that flicker against the exposed brick walls, crafting stories in your mind that help you drift into sleep. In this dream world, the guitarist from Pearl Jam falls for you, captivated by your words and mysterious charm. Or maybe it’s the boy from your recording studio class, whose warmth you can almost feel without ever speaking. In your stories, he sees you—the real you.
Then suddenly, you blink, and 12 years later, you find yourself at 40. After a long road trip, with music blaring and smoke curling into the air, you end up in Maine at 28. A friend introduces you to a clean-cut guy in a yellow button-down shirt, who at first makes you wary. But one night, as you sip water and chat, you discover a spark—an unexpected connection.
The years rush by, and you learn that most relationships are beautifully imperfect. You realize that love can come from many sources: your children, your husband, your friends, and those who have left this world. Sometimes you catch yourself longing for those carefree days of youth, imagining yourself wandering through Spanish markets or lounging in a cozy cabin, free from the chaos of crumbs and laundry.
Though you may never become a rock star, music remains your lifeblood. Whether it’s the Elton John tunes from your dad’s Walkman or the repetitive beats of your son’s favorite songs, music fills your life with joy. Watching your son dance brings a smile to your face as you see traces of your own dreams reflected in him.
You carve out time to write whenever you can, pouring your thoughts onto paper as sunlight filters through your vibrant home. In these moments, you appreciate the girl you were at 20—full of dreams and possibilities yet unaware of her beauty. Now, at 40, you embrace a different kind of love, one that is imperfect but rich with connection.
As you lie in bed, surrounded by the quiet hum of your life, you ponder if you have another half-life ahead of you. What will it be like to reach 80? Will you still cherish the same things—words, music, nature? Will you find a new warmth in your heart after letting go of youth and the inevitable changes that come with it?
For now, you are still on the cusp of youth, nestled under your aqua comforter, savoring the quiet before the morning rush of little ones fills your home.
Summary:
At 20, life is a whirlwind of dreams, self-discovery, and the struggle to express oneself amidst the chaos of youth. Fast forward to 40, and the journey has transformed into a tapestry woven with love, imperfection, and the joys of family life. While memories of youth linger, the richness of adult relationships and the power of music continue to resonate deeply. As you navigate the transition from carefree days to the busy life of parenthood, you embrace both the past and present, pondering the future and the potential for new experiences.