Today, I’m feeling a bit heavy. Today, negative thoughts are swirling in my mind. Today, my weight seems to overshadow everything else as if it’s the only thing that matters. The pressure feels like it could crush me. Today, I’m acutely aware of the friction between my thighs, that uncomfortable spot where they touch with each step I take. Today, none of my clothes fit quite right—they’re too snug, hugging me where I wish they wouldn’t… and honestly, every inch feels wrong. Today, I’m not fond of the reflection staring back at me in the mirror. It’s that voice again—the one that ridicules me, the one that whispers I’m not enough. Today, food feels like an adversary. Everything I consume seems to expand my waistline, add to my hips, and cloud my mind. Oh, how I despise this cycle! Counting calories incessantly, pinching at the skin beneath my ribs, analyzing every inch. I can’t stand the act of getting dressed—or worse, undressed. I loathe feeling unappealing. I loathe feeling inadequate. Today, I want to retreat.
In the past, I would have hidden myself away on days like this. I’d let my feelings dictate my choices. I’d skip meals, exercise twice as long as necessary, and avoid facing myself altogether. I’d let the dark thoughts swallow me whole. I would vanish.
But that was yesterday; this is today. And today, I have you: my lively, delightful, and beautiful little boys. You remind me of the value in every moment. You pull me away from the tempting darkness. Now, I have light.
So today, I refuse to hide. I’ll slip into my comfy sweats and appreciate the gentle embrace of the stretchy waistband against the scar that tells the story of my journey. I’ll express gratitude for that scar and for the two amazing little beings who came into my life because of it. I won’t deprive myself; instead, I’ll invite you to help me bake cookies. We’ll laugh as we steal spoonfuls of dough and lick the beaters clean. I’ll wipe flour from your cheeks and nibble at your fingers as you offer me chocolate chips. I won’t let the joy of these moments be overshadowed by unnecessary guilt. I’ll look in the mirror and smile at the woman you call “Mama.” I’ll let her worth shine through, breaking the hold of that past reflection that once tormented me. I’ll bounce you on my knees, give you piggyback rides, toss you into the air, and spin you around to our favorite tunes. I’ll dip you during the chorus and cherish your infectious laughter and the tickle of your hair against my face. I’ll be thankful that my body is strong enough to keep up with your energy.
My weight? It’s trivial. I carry it like a feather. But you? You are my everything. I carry you in my heart. You are a weight I choose, a weight I gladly embrace. Today, I may still feel heavy at times. Healing takes time, and I have my moments of doubt. But I will also feel joy. I will feel gratitude. I will feel blessed. I will feel enough. Because of you.
Thank you for bringing light into my life.
If you’re curious about home insemination, check out this helpful resource that offers more insights. Additionally, if you want to know about the various options available, Cryobaby provides excellent kits for home insemination. For those navigating pregnancy week by week, March of Dimes is a fantastic resource to guide you along the way.
Summary:
This heartfelt reflection recounts how the author’s relationship with her weight has evolved since becoming a mother. While she acknowledges the struggles with body image, the love and joy from her children help her embrace her journey, focusing on gratitude and the precious moments they share together.