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Parenting
The Distinctions Between Black and White Mothers
by Laila Johnson
Updated: July 31, 2016
Originally Published: May 9, 2015
When Laila Johnson first stepped into motherhood, she eagerly absorbed every piece of parenting advice she could find, even serving as a parenting consultant for several media outlets. Fast forward to her third child, and she realized it was time to shift her approach. Drawing on the wisdom of her resilient mother, who often said, “If you give them everything they want, there won’t be much left of you,” Laila decided to focus on what truly mattered.
In an excerpt from her memoir, Child, Please: How Mama’s Old-School Lessons Helped Me Keep It Together, Laila addresses the often touchy subject of parenting and race, tackling stereotypes about both Black and White parents.
Let’s be real—I’m not here to sugarcoat my words or play the politically correct card. What I’m about to say may ruffle some feathers, but I’m owning it. Stereotypes, after all, are rooted in long-standing racial assumptions. Just as society has perpetuated certain views about Black people, we’ve got our own ideas about White folks, too. One stereotype I always heard, but didn’t fully grasp until I became a mom myself, is that White parents are a bit too lenient.
Yeah, I said it. It’s a truth many of us can agree on. It seems like White kids have this golden ticket to run wild, especially with their moms, who often respond with a light-hearted, “Now, sweetie…” It’s almost like a universal understanding among Black folks—when you see a White toddler throwing a tantrum in public, you’ll catch a knowing glance and an eye roll from another Black parent.
Now, before you get all defensive, let me clarify: I’m sharing this out of love. If you want to know what crazy ideas White people might have about Black folks, just flip on the news. But poor White people have no clue about the inside scoop. Trust me, if you watched some of the popular networks that showcase Black culture, you’d be misled—because the average family isn’t living the lifestyle of a hip-hop star.
Research shows that Black and White parents often have different expectations when it comes to raising children. Many Black parents prioritize obedience and respect for authority, which explains why you might see a child getting a stern talking to in public if they’re acting out. On the other hand, White parents often emphasize confidence and independence as markers of a “good kid.”
In the Black households I know, confidence isn’t something kids are encouraged to flaunt. Sure, we celebrate being proud of our heritage outside the home, but under our roofs, humility is key. If a child starts to feel a little too empowered, questioning everything and asserting themselves boldly, that’s when they might hear, “Don’t start smelling yourself up in here!” (Translation: Don’t get too big for your britches.)
Remember that dog in the trench coat from the old crime prevention ads? He warned us about the dangers lurking for kids, but you’ll notice he didn’t mention anything about Black children. The message we receive is clear: White children are seen as precious and worthy of protection.
While Black parents love their kids, historically, we haven’t had the luxury of viewing them as “precious.” We see them as special, yes, but not like a delicate piece of china that must be handled with care. In fact, many Black parents prefer to instill discipline and limits before the world does it for them. Any behavior that might draw negative attention is nipped in the bud—because we’re all too aware of how authority can treat our children.
Laila’s mother rarely discussed the past, especially the tough parts. When Laila brought up Martin Luther King Jr.’s statements about their hometown, her mother simply replied, “You know good and well I’ve never been to South Africa.”
This examination of parenting styles reveals how deeply cultural and historical contexts shape our approaches to raising children.
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Summary:
This piece explores the differing parenting styles between Black and White mothers, emphasizing cultural expectations and the historical context that shapes these approaches. It sheds light on how these differences manifest in day-to-day parenting practices and the values instilled in children.