The High Maintenance Child Quiz: A Humorous Take on Parenting Challenges

Updated: August 20, 2023

Originally Published: February 11, 2023

Not too long ago, I found myself enjoying dinner with some wonderfully grounded friends. The dad was a physician, and the mom was a publisher, but they had no interest in the Pinterest-perfect lifestyle. They raised two kids, and their approach to keeping them entertained was simple: “Go outside, dig in the dirt, catch some frogs, and build a fort.” They weren’t fans of video games or playrooms meticulously crafted by Yale-trained designers to stimulate every possible sense—known or unknown. Their cozy home was charming, not cavernous, and they embodied the idea that a family of four doesn’t need 20,000 square feet to thrive. I admired their refreshing, down-to-earth parenting style. Their kids rode bikes, ate whatever was served, and used “please” and “thank you”—in my book, they were winning at parenting.

One evening, during dinner, my friend shared a story about his little boy, who was in kindergarten at the time. He had invited a friend over to play, but when the friend arrived, he looked puzzled and asked, “Is this all of it?” after admiring their “cute” home. Curious, the friend then inquired, “Where’s the playroom?” To which my friend’s son replied, “I don’t have a playroom.”

“Then where do you play?” asked the friend.

“I play in my room.”

“Oh,” came the response, “Where’s the Wii?”

“I don’t have a Wii, but we can play outside,” replied the little boy.

And that’s how the playdate unfolded until dinner, when the family began to set up the outdoor table and fire up the grill.

“What are you cooking?” the friend asked, intrigued.

“Well, it’s a cookout, so I’m grilling burgers and corn.”

“Oh, it’s Kobe beef, right? I can only eat Kobe beef.”

“No, my friend, it’s Costco, 20% ground chuck,” was the reply.

And just like that, that child was OTL (off the list).

After that dinner, I found myself telling my kids that there is no quicker route to the infamous HMCL (High Maintenance Child List) than being demanding or rude. With that in mind, I’ve created a lighthearted questionnaire to help prepare for playdates, making the experience of hosting other children more enjoyable for everyone involved.

Please indicate your child’s eating preferences:

a) Vegan
b) Gluten-free
c) Gluten and sugar-free
d) Dairy and gluten-free, meat okay
e) Nut-free, dairy-free, gluten okay
f) Will eat anything as long as it doesn’t touch on the plate
g) Will only drink soda, even if you don’t have any, and cannot be given anything else
h) Will eat any food as long as it is colorless and has no sauce or dressing

Sleepovers—let me know about the following:

a) Your child has never slept past 5 AM and expects a full breakfast and entertainment at that hour. I should prepare a clown suit and griddle.
b) Your child struggles to fall asleep without back rubs, so I’ll need to brush up on my massage skills.
c) Your child is such a picky eater that I should be prepared for a dramatic reaction if I offer buttered popcorn and pizza.
d) Your child has never slept in their own bed; I should expect a midnight visitor.

Pets—how should we prepare?

a) Your child has cat allergies, but dogs are fine.
b) Your child loves cats but is afraid of dogs.
c) Your child has allergies to both cats and dogs; please board all animals.
d) Your child’s allergies require a full house air filter to be installed and running for 24 hours before the playdate.

What toys should I have ready?

a) Legos, but not specific sets; creativity is stifled by following directions.
b) Legos with proper sets; please ensure no pieces are missing, as the instructions are crucial for fun.
c) American Girl Dolls, complete with a closet and hairdresser station.
d) Any toys, as long as they aren’t made in China.

Television and Movies:

a) Your child can watch PG-13 films as long as there’s no bad language or sexual content; violence is acceptable.
b) Your child can watch PG-13 as long as there’s no violence; some strong language is okay.
c) Your child may not watch any television at all; studies show it could affect their IQ and attention span.
d) Your child can watch whatever they want; they have three older siblings, and my only request is to keep them alive.

What activities would your child prefer?

a) Your child enjoys baking gluten-free, Pinterest-inspired cupcakes with politically correct decorations.
b) Your child loves making short films, so I should be ready with costumes and video equipment.
c) Your child likes board games, but I’ll need to receive the adjusted rules for their favorites.
d) Your child enjoys the visual arts; please provide a list of acceptable mediums.

What household rules should we follow?

a) Food and drinks should be allowed throughout the house to avoid low blood sugar.
b) Plastic coverings should be placed over all furniture to prevent upset feelings.
c) All breakables should be stored away to protect your child’s spirit.
d) An indoor jungle gym should be set up, complete with a slide for the stairs.

P.S. — A big thanks to all the parents who shared their high-maintenance stories to help me write this! And to my kids, thanks for letting me have a little fun with your quirks.

P.P.S. — This is meant to be humorous.

P.P.P.S. — I promise, it’s not your kid!

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Summary

This lighthearted article provides a humorous take on the challenges of parenting high-maintenance children. It offers a mock questionnaire to help parents prepare for playdates, covering various topics from dietary preferences to sleep habits and toys. With a sprinkle of wit, it reminds us all that navigating the ups and downs of child-rearing can be an amusing adventure.