Parenting
It took some time for my boyfriend to learn where I live. When he finally stepped inside, his first remark wasn’t about the absence of a television, my mountain of books, or my questionable environmental habits.
“Wow,” he said, “you have a lot of weapons.”
My home is filled with various tools that could easily be deemed weapons. Sure, one might argue that virtually anything can be wielded as a weapon, but I prefer to keep it straightforward. I have a baseball bat by the stairs, a Taser tucked in my handbag, and yes, a knife in the shower. They say violence isn’t the answer, unless, of course, the question is whether an unstable ex might come knocking with harmful intentions.
A year has passed since I confronted my abusive ex in court. On August 20, 2013, the judge described him as “calculated and deceptive,” having rightfully faced consequences after stalking me and sharing inappropriate photos with colleagues.
Exactly one year earlier, on August 20, 2012, another judge granted me a restraining order. It’s almost poetic how my life cycles through these eerie coincidences.
Don’t Make Me Your Karma
I won’t lie; there’s something satisfying about seeing someone reap what they sow. However, that was never my goal. Along the way, I offered him multiple exits. I ended the relationship, changed my number, relocated, and even pleaded with him to stop. But he persisted. At some point, it became clear that altering my life wasn’t enough to dissuade someone set on hurting me. I had to take a stand.
He pushed me into a corner, and I chose to strut out of it, flinging my hair back as everything he held dear tumbled down. His 25-year career—gone. His retirement—gone. Relationships—gone. Respect—gone.
In the grand scheme of things, he will fade into obscurity for me. But for him, I was the iceberg that sank his Titanic, and there weren’t enough lifeboats.
I Am Safe Now
A year has passed, then two. Yet, I still find myself worrying he might come back for me. Each time I wash my face, I half expect to see him lurking in the mirror. Every creak in the night sounds like he’s trying to pry a window open. And every moment of silence feels like the calm before a storm.
In the wake of the breakup, sleep eluded me. I’d wake in the dead of night, heart racing, convinced he was there, ready to finish what he started. It took crouching by my bed, gasping for air, repeating over and over, “You are okay, you are safe, he is not here, you won. You are safe.”
How I Sleep at Night
It would be wonderful if fear were absent from my life—and maybe one day, it will be. A piece of paper doesn’t keep you safe, but standing up for yourself, escaping a toxic situation, and refusing to let anyone mistreat you certainly helps. Being in an abusive relationship leaves its scars, but I embrace every mark as proof of my survival.
After that relationship, I felt utterly defeated. I blamed myself for every decision I made. What I’ve come to understand is that it’s okay not to feel alright right away. You can look at the chaos and choose to act as if you are the person you want to become. Eventually, you will become that person.
I Can’t Stop Laughing
To quote Maya Angelou, “I wouldn’t trade my journey for anything.” If this ordeal hadn’t happened, I might never have realized my fierce determination to do what I truly want. I learned I can look at life’s challenges and simply say, “No thanks.”
Finding humor in darkness has been incredibly empowering. Honestly, what’s not amusing about an attorney trying to convince a courtroom that I deserved abuse because I have red hair and a passport full of stamps? It’s even funnier that I managed to throw the room into an awkward silence by mentioning my Dad’s taste in entertainment!
A year and two years later, I’m still navigating through the fear and shame. But I’ve learned that while we can stumble into swamps and make poor choices, that’s not the end. We can change, grow, and rewrite our stories. If you don’t like your current narrative, throw in a plot twist!
For further insights on personal growth and overcoming adversity, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination at Facts About Fertility.
And if you’re considering the journey of parenthood, be sure to explore this 21-piece home insemination kit for your needs, as well as our other articles, such as this one that delve into at-home insemination.