Sometimes, a spat over something trivial, like who should take out the trash or make dinner, can escalate into a full-blown argument. Before long, you’re shouting about things that don’t even matter, and both of you are left feeling terrible. It’s as if the original issue gets lost in a fog of hurtful words.
My grandmother used to remind me, “It’s not just what you say, but how you say it.” A minor tweak in your tone or word choice can be the difference between igniting defensiveness and fostering understanding.
Psychologist Dr. Alex Carter has dedicated his career to exploring how we can communicate in ways that minimize conflict and strengthen our relationships. Drawing from his influential book, Positive Communication, here are three phrases you should steer clear of during a disagreement, along with suggestions for what to say instead.
1. “The issue with you is that you’re… (lazy, selfish, clueless).”
It’s all too easy to slip into judgmental language about others. When your boss assigns a challenging project, he’s “being unreasonable.” If someone cuts you off in traffic, they’re “a total jerk!” And if your partner craves more affection, they’re “clingy.” But if you’re the one seeking more attention, suddenly they’re “distant and uncaring.”
Dr. Carter refers to these as moralistic judgments—implying that someone is wrong or bad for not aligning with our values. Such remarks only heighten tensions and make the other person defensive. No one ever responds positively to, “The problem with you is that you’re lazy!” with an enthusiastic, “You’re absolutely right, I’ll change!”
Instead, Dr. Carter suggests that when we judge someone, we’re often trying to express our own needs. For example, saying, “You’re too needy!” really means, “I need more space.” By focusing on judgments, we overlook our own feelings and needs.
2. “You make me feel … (sad, angry, unappreciated).”
When we’re upset by someone’s actions or inactions, it’s common to say they “make us feel” a certain way. If you don’t receive enough attention, “you make me sad.” If you aren’t allowed to make decisions, “you make me angry.” However, no one can truly make us feel anything—our emotions are our own responsibility.
Dr. Carter points out that phrasing it as “You make me feel” denies accountability for our feelings. While others’ actions can trigger emotions, the root of those feelings lies in our own interpretations. It’s not that it’s your fault if someone treats you poorly and you feel upset; it’s just that your feelings arise from unmet desires, like the need for supportive relationships.
3. “You should … (do the dishes, pay attention to me, stop being so demanding).”
When we’re frustrated that others aren’t meeting our expectations, we often resort to “should” statements: “You should help around the house more,” or “You should trust me.” Dr. Carter calls this “expressing desires as demands,” and it rarely yields positive results.
Using “should” creates alienation. Have you ever felt inspired to act when someone told you, “You should do this”? Not likely! It feels more uplifting to help out willingly than to be told you “should.”
What to Say Instead
When tempers flare, it’s easy to point fingers—blaming others for their traits, how they make us feel, or their lack of action. This focus on the other person distracts us from our own emotional state and unmet needs. To reframe this, Dr. Carter recommends a four-step communication model:
- Describe the situation without judgment: “It’s been a while since you did the dishes.” Avoid saying, “You’re so lazy for not doing them.”
- Express how you feel, taking ownership: “When I have to manage all the chores, I feel overwhelmed.” Don’t say, “You make me feel overwhelmed.”
- Identify the needs linked to your feelings: “I’d like to feel supported and that we share responsibilities.” Rather than saying, “You don’t support me.”
- Make a request, not a demand: “If you could help out with the chores a bit more, I’d feel much happier.” Instead of, “You should help more often.”
Of course, avoiding these pitfalls—the judgments, blame, and “should” statements—is easier said than done. When emotions are high, it’s tempting to spit out the first thing that comes to mind. The key is to pause, take a few deep breaths, and consider your response carefully.
For more insights on healthy communication, check out this other blog post that dives deeper into effective strategies. Also, visit Make A Mom for expert advice on fertility topics, and explore Medical News Today for a wealth of information on pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, arguing can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings, but by being mindful of our language and focusing on our own feelings and needs, we can foster a more constructive dialogue.