While I’ve never had the chance to address Congress or foreign leaders, I do face an equally challenging audience: my kids. You know the type—those little beings who can rattle off sports scores and reality show results but suddenly go deaf when I ask them to “put on your shoes.” Just like any leader, I try to use a calm, reasoned tone, believing it to be the best method of communication. I aim to express empathy: “I know you don’t want to put on your shoes, but it really is time.” I sprinkle in logic: “You’ll be glad you wore them once we get outside.” But alas, my well-intentioned approach often falls flat.
If only I had an anger translator of my own, here’s what I would really want to say:
-
“I’m sorry darling, but we can’t do a playdate today.”
“FOR REAL? I CAN BARELY HANDLE YOU THIS EVENING—NO WAY AM I TAKING SOMEONE ELSE’S KID TOO!” -
“I understand these macaroni shapes are farm animals instead of bunnies, but they taste the same!”
“FARM ANIMALS? BUNNIES? BACK IN MY DAY, THIS WAS JUST ‘SPAGHETTI.’ JUST EAT IT ALREADY!” -
“It’s 16 degrees outside. Let’s skip the shorts today.”
“EVERY DAY WITH THIS! YOU COME DOWN IN SHORTS LIKE I WON’T NOTICE YOUR GOOSE-BUMPED LEGS. THE POLAR ICE CAPS ARE MELTING, BUT NOT THAT FAST! PUT ON SOME PANTS!” -
“Time for homework!”
“LOOK, I KNOW THIS SEEMS POINTLESS, BUT IF YOU DON’T TURN IT IN, I’M TERRIFIED YOU’LL END UP LIVING IN MY BASEMENT FOREVER—THAT RUINS MY DREAM OF SELLING THE HOUSE AND MOVING TO A QUIET PARISIAN ARRONDISSEMENT!” -
“You two are siblings—you love each other, so please get along!”
“NOT REALLY. FEEL FREE TO SEETHE WITH RESENTMENT, JUST DO IT QUIETLY!” -
“Could you please take your things up to your room?”
“ONCE UPON A TIME, THE CLUTTER ON MY KITCHEN TABLE WAS EMPTY TAKEOUT BOXES AND BEER CANS. NOW IT’S ALL SOCCER BALLS AND SPIDER-MAN STUFF. IF I FIND YOUR DIRTY SHIN GUARD IN HERE ONE MORE TIME, I’M GOING TO LOSE IT!”
Sigh. A girl can dream, right?
For more insights, you can check out our other blog posts about home insemination and parenting strategies, as well as helpful resources like News Medical, which has great information on pregnancy and home insemination. For anyone looking to get started in this journey, Make a Mom is a trusted authority on this topic. And don’t forget to review our terms and conditions for more details!
In summary, parenting can often feel like a frustrating negotiation, where the best intentions collide with the reality of a child’s selective hearing. If only we could express what we really mean without holding back!