Lately, I’ve been reflecting on my 9th grader, Jake, and his homework habits. He’s the type of kid many of us recognize: intelligent, analytical, and motivated when he feels like it, but somewhat lackadaisical otherwise. His grades are decent—he’s even snagging a couple of A’s—but his organizational skills? Well, let’s just say they could fill a library.
This morning, I stumbled upon an article in The Atlantic that suggests parents should be more involved in their teens’ homework to help them learn essential organizational skills. Ironically, this advice comes at a time when teachers are urging parents to step back. The author argues that because schools often overlook these crucial skills, it falls on us, the parents, to step in and guide our children to ensure they thrive in high school, college, and beyond.
This perspective struck a chord with me. I share the concern that kids, particularly boys, may not acquire these vital skills since, from what I observe, no teacher or counselor seems to be stepping up, despite their awareness of disorganized students. One of Jake’s teachers even remarked, “He’s incredibly bright but struggles with student skills.” So, what’s the plan here? I haven’t checked in with the teacher about how he’s supporting my son, so I’m in the dark on that front.
I can relate to the author’s worry that many kids lack the skills necessary for success; after all, it’s a developmental journey. Like her, I often ask Jake about his homework and how much he has, and I make it a point to ensure that Facebook isn’t the only thing lighting up his computer screen. Jake might tell you I’m a nag.
However, here’s where I diverge from that perspective: I believe that the most impactful lessons often come from sources other than parents. I agree with educators that it’s time for parents to take a step back, and I’m committed to doing just that. Of course, I won’t completely disengage, especially if poor grades hint at larger issues like anxiety or substance use. But in general, I think it’s essential for kids to navigate their homework responsibilities. If that means receiving a lower grade, so be it. They need the chance to discover what doesn’t work while the stakes are low.
For the record, we’re a family that values education, so grades do matter. Jake knows their importance. My husband and I both hold advanced degrees, and our daughter, Anna, who is a senior, has been dreaming of college for years. Her academic prowess and organizational skills are impressive, to say the least.
However, I don’t enforce the same homework rules for Jake that I do for Anna. I don’t require him to write his assignments on a whiteboard like she does, nor do I take away privileges if his homework isn’t finished. Admittedly, since he’s not earning D’s, I haven’t had to tackle that issue. I’ve also stopped discussing his online grades with him and have ceased the nagging about missing assignments. While his dad and I offer to quiz him for tests, if he declines (and he usually does), that’s his choice—I’ve officially retired from being the homework police. When he asked for a planner at the start of the second semester—“I think it might help if I write my assignments down”—I was quick to grab one from the office store, but I haven’t checked in on how often he actually uses it.
Here’s my belief: we need to stop stressing over mediocre grades that stem from poor executive functioning skills (but that’s a different discussion altogether). New research indicates that the adolescent brain doesn’t fully mature until the late 20s or even early 30s. Teen brains, especially those of 9th-grade boys, tend to be scattered—just when parents start to panic about grades. Despite their scatterbrained tendencies, it’s crucial we let kids take responsibility for their homework. If they seek our help, great; if not, that’s perfectly fine too. At this point, they’re old enough to own their choices.
Taking a step back, however, means adopting a long-term perspective. I don’t believe that low high school grades have the dire consequences that many claim they do—argue with me if you wish. Sure, poor grades may prevent entry into elite colleges or even some state schools, and that’s alright.
Will I stop worrying about whether Jake is keeping up with his homework? Probably not. And knowing myself, I’ll likely drop hints about study strategies in case he’s interested. But I want him to understand that doing his homework is crucial for his future—not because it earns him extra time on the PlayStation. I won’t be pulling out the whiteboard unless he asks me to.
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Summary:
In conclusion, I’ve decided to ease up on pushing my son Jake about his homework. While I recognize the importance of academic performance, I believe it’s essential for him to take responsibility for his studies and learn from his mistakes. After all, these experiences will help him grow into a more independent and self-sufficient adult.