Dear Vagina,
In light of all the bizarre trends I’ve seen lately, I want to assure you that there are some experiences I simply won’t put you through.
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Yarn Insertion
No matter how lonely I might feel in my golden years or how many cats I end up adopting, I will not be using you as a yarn holder! I refuse to imagine spending hours trying to crochet a scarf or a cozy blanket using a skein of yarn dangling between my legs. Sure, my future feline friends might need some warmth, but I promise you won’t be knitting any kitty sweaters! -
Food Production
Though I may be on a budget, I will never resort to the idea of turning you into a food source. Yes, I’ve heard about that college student who made yogurt from her own bacteria. But let’s be real—I can’t stand yogurt, whether it’s from a store or, heaven forbid, from you! And the thought of sourcing blueberries from who knows where is just too much to bear. -
Waxing
You can rest easy knowing I’m not even considering a hot-wax hair removal session. The idea of a technician pouring hot wax and ripping out your hair is terrifying. What if they’re having a bad day? I’d rather keep you natural and beautiful, just as you are! -
Piercing
What would possess me to think of piercing your clitoral hood? The pain is said to be intense, and I have no interest in enhancing my shopping experience at the grocery store in such a manner. I can only imagine the awkwardness that would ensue if my son’s friends caught sight of me having a “Meg Ryan moment” in the dairy aisle. No, thank you! -
Bleaching
Let’s be honest; you’ve always been radiant. I can’t fathom why I’d want to use skin-whitening products on you. You’re perfect the way you are, and I certainly don’t wake up wondering if you’re bright enough! In fact, coworkers would probably notice the glow you exude already! -
Steaming
I will never subject you to a steaming treatment. I can’t find a single wrinkle on you, so why would I sit over a pot of boiling herbs claiming to be “therapeutic”? Plus, we all know how I feel about Gwyneth Paltrow’s wellness trends! -
Collagen Injections
Yes, I’m aware that collagen is no longer just for lips—it’s now for G-spots too! But for $1500, I could treat us to a vacation instead, complete with a trusty vibrator. Who needs that kind of hassle? -
Decorating
The concept of “vajazzling” or decorating you with sequins is a definite no-go. My crafting skills are questionable at best, and I don’t want to deal with the mess or regrettable decisions later. You’re stunning as you are, no embellishments necessary!
So there you have it, my vow to protect you from these bizarre trends. Just imagine how refreshing it will be when we can embrace the natural look again. You’ll be the envy of all those who have taken the plunge into absurdity!
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Summary:
In this lighthearted take, the author humorously outlines various trends and practices she vows never to subject her vagina to, from knitting to food production to unnecessary cosmetic procedures. The overall message promotes self-acceptance and the beauty of the natural state, while encouraging readers to embrace their own bodies without succumbing to societal pressures.