25 Guidelines for Nurturing Feminist Boys

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Updated: Aug. 20, 2023

Originally Published: Feb. 2, 2015

Many years ago, my father shared a piece of wisdom that has resonated with me: “If you want something in life, you need to position yourself to obtain it. Don’t rely on others to provide for you.” This conversation happened during a mundane task—cleaning up after dinner—likely triggered by my teenage yearning for a new pair of shoes or trendy jeans. Unbeknownst to him, my father imparted my first lesson in feminism: the importance of independence, self-agency, and control over one’s life. Most crucially, he instilled in me the belief that I am deserving of respect and opportunities, just like anyone else.

As parents, we continuously impart lessons to our children, shaping their understanding of the world—what matters, what doesn’t, and how to view themselves and others. These lessons often emerge subtly, so it’s vital to remain aware of our values and intentions, ensuring they guide our interactions.

Despite our family dynamic resembling a traditional setup (my partner works while I focus on raising our two sons), I proudly identify as a feminist because I advocate for equality. It’s essential for my boys to grasp what feminism entails and, even more so, how it intersects with gender equality in society. Gender inequality affects everyone, not just women, and it’s our duty to challenge the stereotypes and biases that children encounter from an early age. We strive to embed the principles of feminism and equality into our family life, allowing these values to manifest organically—whether at playdates or while tidying up after meals.

While there’s no shortage of feminist resources aimed at daughters, I found a gap in guidance tailored to raising boys. So, I did what any empowered person would do—I created my own list of 25 rules for raising feminist boys.

1. Feminism is about equality, not femininity.
2. Being a boy doesn’t preclude you from being a feminist. Enjoying sports or action films doesn’t negate that, just as my love for makeup doesn’t lessen my commitment to feminism.
3. Crying is okay. Just express emotions in a responsible and respectful manner.
4. Cultivate friendships with girls.
5. Interests are not gendered—girls can love trucks and superheroes, just as boys can enjoy tea parties and princesses.
6. The phrases “like a man” or “like a girl” are meaningless—ignore them.
7. Strength and sensitivity can coexist; they are not mutually exclusive.
8. Your anatomy does not grant you special privileges; it simply makes you human.
9. Hold doors open for everyone—not as a nod to tradition, but as a gesture of kindness. Extend this consideration to other actions, like pushing in chairs or putting the toilet seat down.
10. True beauty radiates from within, beyond mere appearances.
11. If you pay for dinner or buy flowers, do it out of kindness, not as a means to an end. Girls should feel empowered to reciprocate these gestures.
12. Engage in sexual relationships only when both partners are ready—not due to peer pressure or hormones.
13. Understand consent: “No” means no, silence means no, and only a clear “yes” is affirmative.
14. Surround yourself with those who encourage your best self; be cautious of those who seek to change you.
15. Equal work warrants equal pay; it’s a simple principle.
16. Your gender, job, or material possessions do not define you. Focus on kindness, bravery, friendship, and respect.
17. If you marry, your partner’s decision to take your last name has no bearing on their love for you.
18. Providing for a family extends beyond financial support.
19. When making childcare decisions, prioritize what’s best for your family, taking into account various emotional and practical factors.
20. Despite societal portrayals, men can—and should—share household responsibilities equally.
21. Apologizing is a sign of strength, not weakness.
22. Never take your privileges for granted; advocate for those less fortunate.
23. Embrace sensitivity, empathy, and compassion.
24. Differences among people are natural; celebrate them instead of over-generalizing.
25. Remember these lessons not because anyone needs protection, but because they are fundamental to fairness and respect. Small actions can lead to significant change.

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In summary, nurturing feminist boys means instilling values of equality, empathy, and respect. These lessons not only benefit them but have the potential to transform societal norms for the better.