As soon as your little bundle of joy makes their grand entrance into the world, it seems like everyone—and their neighbor’s cat—has a wealth of advice on how to shed those pesky baby pounds and reclaim your pre-baby body. (Honestly, where did that body even go? It’s a mystery!)
And guess what? These tips are supposed to be a walk in the park. Yup, just what a new mom needs when her entire world has been turned “upside down,” as my toddler would put it. So, if you’re curious about how to tackle this challenge, just follow these ridiculously simple steps:
- Get Moving. Wow, why didn’t we think of that? All we need to do is move! But should we do it before or after that nerve-wracking first post-partum bathroom visit? How many stitches can we risk popping? And we assume this is instead of catching some Z’s when the baby sleeps, right? It’s a good thing no advice ever contradicts the other—THAT would just be confusing!
- Eat Healthy Foods, Not Diets. Absolutely! Because these two concepts are worlds apart. Does snacking on your toddler’s leftover mac and cheese during your precious free moments count? We’re pretty sure those are organic, right?
- Breastfeed. Naturally! Those are the very reason our bodies are designed that way. And all this time we thought they were just for nurturing our little ones. How long do you think it takes for a baby to suck the cellulite right off?
- Start a Weight Lifting Routine. Finally, we’ve been waiting for the perfect time to use our home gym equipment! Good thing, too. I hear our six-week-olds can’t wait to sit quietly while Mommy gets her pump on, right before she hops into her personal sauna for a detox session.
- Hydrate with Eight Glasses a Day. This should be easy. Does it matter if it’s red or white? Oh, you mean water!
- Squeeze in Naps. Hold on. I thought we were supposed to be moving? Naps? Can we pencil these in between glittering unicorns and tea parties with the Keebler Elves? Or should we slot them in after our important fairy godmother conference call?
- Stock Up on Superfoods. If chicken nuggets don’t make the cut, should we expect the whole family to live on stinky fish and kale for the next half-year? I’m sure we can manage personalized grocery runs for ourselves. We totally have the time!
- Hire a Nutritionist. Because why not spend that money on professional advice when we could just buy diapers and clothes for the baby? Besides, we’re sure the nutritionist has more insightful tips than just “exercise while napping” and “eat superfoods on your non-diet.”
- Join Weight Loss Meetings with Fellow Moms. We were just saying how free we are all day to gather and chat about how our maternity jeans somehow got snugger since giving birth. Our meeting time is tentatively set right after our rejuvenating afternoon siestas, if you’re interested!
- Snack on Fiber-Rich Foods. Thank goodness! It wouldn’t be fair if the babies were the only ones getting to have major diaper moments throughout the day.
And there you have it, folks! Losing the baby weight and reclaiming your pre-pregnancy figure is as easy as pie—or perhaps easier than splitting atoms with your brain.
For more on navigating the world of home insemination, check out this insightful post on our blog. For those on a fertility journey, this is a great resource. Plus, if you’re curious about other pregnancy-related topics, this provides excellent information.
Summary: This humorous take on losing baby weight outlines ten absurd tips that new moms often hear after giving birth. Each tip is met with a lighthearted critique, highlighting the unrealistic expectations placed on mothers. The post encourages laughter and camaraderie among new parents navigating the challenges of motherhood.