I’ll never forget the day my daughter, Lily, came home from school and told me about a girl named Mia in her fourth-grade class who was “bugging” her. “What’s she doing?” I asked, my protective instincts kicking in. “She keeps following me around the playground and wants to sit with me at lunch!” Lily exclaimed, as if that was enough to justify her frustration.
“You mean she’s trying to be friends with you?” I replied, puzzled. It hit me that I had a situation on my hands. Right in the middle of my lively household of five kids was a vibrant, spirited girl who was pushing away another little girl simply for wanting to connect. Ironically, I could see a younger version of myself in Mia. I was once that shy kid, eager for friendship, and the realization stung.
The next morning, I found myself in a standoff with Lily. She was determined to avoid Mia, but I was equally determined to teach her a valuable lesson. My daughter attended a private school, where she and her friends often called the shots. A quick chat with Mia’s mom later confirmed my suspicions: Lily and her group were inadvertently engaging in a type of exclusion that could easily slip into bullying territory.
Some may argue I was overreacting, but I believed that the indifference Lily and her friends showed towards Mia was the start of something more harmful. There was no name-calling, just a blatant dismissal of someone they incorrectly judged to be unworthy of their time. Having navigated the complex world of childhood myself, I knew all too well how this dynamic begins—often with a casual glance and a quick decision to exclude.
In my opinion, it’s crucial for parents to have open conversations with their kids about social dynamics and the inherent fears that drive our acceptance and rejection of others. This behavior spans all ages and backgrounds, and it’s rooted in our own insecurities. Everyone is trying to find their place in the social hierarchy.
I’ve had some success with my kids by addressing these issues head-on. It’s important to name it, discuss it openly, and shed light on its darker aspects. We need to acknowledge that even as adults, we face these challenges. Sure, it’s tempting to seek approval from those higher up the social ladder, but every person deserves our attention and respect. If we want our children to recognize the value in those they might initially overlook, we must guide them.
Just telling kids to “be nice” isn’t enough; we need to be more specific. Children may think they’re being kind if they’re not outright mean, but there’s more to it. Help them connect the dots and understand the social survival instincts at play—it’s a conversation they can handle, and they might already be sensing it.
So, I told Lily she needed to invest some time getting to know Mia. I challenged her to come home the next day with three interesting facts about Mia she didn’t know before. My strong-willed daughter was not thrilled about this assignment. I stood my ground, refusing to drive her to school until she agreed. After all, I held the car keys and the power, right? Our discussion about social dynamics gave her the context she needed. I likened it to an ATM, explaining that she had a social “bank” to spare and could make a withdrawal for Mia, risking little in return.
With some reluctance, she got dressed, and I drove her to school. She had a decent day, but when I picked her up, she grumbled about how other moms didn’t meddle in their kids’ friendships. But she still managed to share three cool things she learned about Mia.
I followed up with Mia’s mom a couple of weeks later for some accountability (something I think many parents overlook). I mean, we obsess over every little detail of our children’s lives, from their diet to their sleep habits, yet we can neglect their social interactions? Mia’s mom assured me that Lily had welcomed her into their friend group and things were looking up.
A few years later, Mia’s family moved away, and Lily was genuinely upset. They still keep in touch through social media, and it turned out Mia was a fantastic friend. The real win, however, was for Lily. She learned an invaluable lesson about friendship and kindness that has stuck with her.
Now, as a 20-year-old college sophomore, Lily has a diverse circle of friends and embodies kindness and inclusivity. She learned that first impressions can be misleading and that the best friendships often come from the most unexpected places. Plus, she realized that sometimes, being generous and investing in others pays off in ways you never imagined.
So, parents, while your kids will eventually figure out how to dress themselves and eat their veggies, let’s focus on how they interact with others. If we’re going to be the overprotective helicopter parent generation, let’s at least hover over the right things!
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In summary, teaching children about kindness and friendship, while addressing social dynamics openly, fosters empathy and inclusivity that lasts a lifetime.